14.3 English Jokes

  • Insult: Hey, you’re not much of a looker, but I’ll date you.
    Response: Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?

  • Man: I want to give myself to you.
    Woman: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

  • Man: I know how to please a woman.
    Woman: Then please leave me alone.

  • A student asked his teacher how old she was. She promptly said, “39 and holding.” Then the student asked, “Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?”

  • Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.[MT]

  • All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. [MT]

  • There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said: “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

  • A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house, Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.” The Biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.” The Mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”

Hui: Mathematical induction?! Statistician would say:“The sample size is too small to get any conclusion.” Statistician can never be wrong because all is chance : )

Mark Twain once said, “The coldest winter I ever had was one summer in San Francisco.” [from Prof. Norm Matloff]

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Hey, here’s that twenty dollars I own you.”

Hui: You need to be very careful about what kind of friend you make. : )

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to be a fireman. So, the mathematician walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman and need to answer some questions. “You’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?” The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire.” The fire chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?” The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and the finally says, “I light the dumpster on fire.” The chief yells, “What? Why?” The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”

News bulletin: A local Physicist declared that he has figured out the ingredients in McDonald’s secret sauce: protons, nuetrons, and electrons.

If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians don’t care.

  • An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on a train heading north, and had just crossed the border into Scotland. The engineer looked out of the window and said “Look! Scottish sheep are black!”

The physicist said, “No, no. Some Scottish sheep are black.” The mathematician looked irritated. “There is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black.” The statistician : “It’s not significant. We only know there’s one black sheep” The computer scientist : “Oh, no! A special case!”

  • Neuroscientist joke: the hypothalamus regulates the four essential F’s of life: flighting, fleeing, feeding and mating. [T.S]

(This one was told by the famous statistician Manny Parzen.) A university class was taking a multiple-choice exam. One student was busy flipping a coin to determine his answers. Even after all the other students finished the exam and left, the student was still flipping the coin. The professor said, “I can’t stop you from flipping the coin, but everyone else is done.” The student answered, “Oh, I’m done too. I’m just checking my answers.” [from Prof. Norm Matloff]

The famous comedian Bob Hope (non-Jewish) once told this joke: The most important thing for success is sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, you’re all set.” [from Prof. Norm Matloff]

Someone asks an American, a Russian and an Israeli (one can substitute New York or Hong Kong for Israel), “Excuse me, what do you think of the meat shortage?” The American says, “What’s a shortage?” The Russian says, “What’s meat?” The Israeli says, “What’s ‘excuse me’?” [from Prof. Norm Matloff]

Man is the only animal that blushes – and the only animal that needs to. [MT]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful, and a great person.” “Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong too.”

A man driving on a highway is pulled over by a police officer. The officer asks: “Did you know your wife and children fell out of your car a mile back?” A smile creeps onto the man’s face and he exclaims: “Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!”

A guy goes to the hospital for a check-up. After weeks of tests, a doctor comes to see him and says that he has some good news and some bad news. “What is the bad news?” asks the man. “I am afraid we think you have a very rare and incurable disease,” says the doctor. “Oh, my God, that;s terrible. What is the good news?” says the man. “Well,” replies the doctor, “we are going to name it after you.”

A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog. The man says:“Does your dog bite?” The other man replies:“No, my dog doesn’t bite.” The first man then pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, and shouts, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bites” The other man replies: “That is not my dog.”

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper:”You mean Roundup?” Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.” [From Dan McCammon]

A bartender says, “We don’t serve faster than light particles in here.” A tachyon walks into a bar. [From Bill Rand]

300 yrs ago Thomas Bayes, a minister, revolutionized statistics w/a simple theorem 300 yrs ago Thomas Bayes, a minister, revolutionized statistics w/a simple theorem

[Joke from Norm Matloff: Here’s another joke I just thought of. It was told by famous comedian Jack Benny, I think on his TV show, but I only read about it.]

Benny was famous for being very stingy with his money. (That was his persona on the show, but apparently in real life he was quite generous.) One day a robber confronted him with a gun, and said, “Your money or your life!” A few seconds passed without Benny replying or complying, so the robber said again, louder, “YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!” Benny then replied, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.”

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and frantically calls 911. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”