Chapter 3 Philosophy & Psychology

3.1 The art of loving [Erich Fromm]

3.1.1 Is love an art?

  • Is love an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is matter of chance, something one “falls into” if one is lucky?

Hui: The author answered this question in the next Chapter “The Theory of love”. he believes love is active not passive; it is a “standing in” not “falling for”; It is practiced by human power in freedom never a result of compulsion. What does the “active character of love” mean? It means that love is primarily giving not receiving. In the next chapter, the author will discuss what is giving and what if a person can’t give.

  • What most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal…Our whole culture is based on the appetite for buying, on the idea of mutually favorable exchange….“Attractive” usually means a nice package of qualities which are popular and sought after on the personality market.

3.1.2 The theory of love Love, the answer to the problem of human existence

  • The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety…The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love–is the source of shame. It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety…Man is confronted with the solution of one and the same question: the question of how to overcome separateness, how to achieve union, how to transcend one’s own individual life and find atonement…The answer varies. The question can be answered by animal worship, by human sacrifice or military conquest, by indulgence in luxury, by ascetic renunciation [n. 放弃,脱离关系], by obsessional work, by artistic creation, by the love of God, and by the love of Man…The answer depends, to some extent, on the degree of individuation which an individual has reached…The more the human race emerges from these primary bonds, the more it separates itself from the natural world, the more intense becomes the need to find new ways of escaping separateness.

Hui: “Separateness” is a key concept in Erich Fromm’s work. In his book “Escape from freedom”, Erich said human escape from freedom because they want to escape separateness. He stated three ways of achieving this aim:

  1. In all kinds of orgiastic state…orgiastic union have three characteristics: (1) they are intense, even violent; (2) they occur in the total personality, mind and body; (3) the unity is transitory.

  2. Based on conformity with the group, its customs, practices and beliefs. It is the most frequent solution chosen by man in the past and in the present. It is pseudo-unity.

  3. In creative activity (artist, artisan). In any kind of creative work the creating person unites himself with his material, which represents the world outside of himself. It is not interpersonal

Hui: In the author’s view, all the three are only partial answers to the problem of existence. The full answer is the interpersonal union by love which is the most powerful striving in man. Failing to achieve means destruction (self or others).

  • The dictatorial system use threats and terror to induce this conformity; the democratic countries, suggestion and propaganda.There is, indeed, one great difference between the two systems…But actually people want to conform to a much higher degree than they are forced to conform, at least in the Western democracies.

  • Symbiotic union [共生性结合]
    1. Biological pattern: mother and foetus, they need each other
    2. Psychic symbiotic union: the two bodies are independent, psychological attachment
    3. Passive form: masochism [ˈma-sə-ˌki-zəm 受虐狂]
    4. Active form: sadism
  • Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. (contrast to symbiotic union). Two beings become one and yet remain two.

Hui: Discussion around “giving”:

  • Giving is the highest expression of potency.
  • It is well known that the poor are more willing to give than the rich. Nevertheless, poverty beyond a certain point may make it impossible to give, and is so degrading, not only because of the suffering it causes directly, but because of the fact that it deprives the poor of the joy of giving.

Hui: It reminds me a sentence from the book “Maxims” which says:“What we call liberality is often but the vanity of giving which we like more than that we give away.” The word “vanity” has negative connotation here. It is not a graceful motivation to give but it is not bad either. At least people with this mind are willing to give. Only God can see people’s mind perfectly. Other than God, who knows what is real under the sun? That is why making judgement about others is dangerous because all we can see is (part of) people’s behavior and you don’t know what are in people’s heart. On the other hand, we are judging all the time since we have to make a decision. I like the analogue saying “human are living on a dial of a clock. We can never open the back to examine how it works. We see what we see and guess the reason.” We are too stupid to be complicated. We are just sinful and making each other’s life tough.

  • Love is a power which produces love; impotence is the inability to produce love.

Hui: I like this way to describe love and impotence! Being a potent person is to be someone who can produce and give love not just receive.

3.2 Escape from Freedom [逃避自由, Erich Fromm]

3.2.1 Ch3 现代人的两种自由观念

  • 如果我们对于工作缺乏高度的热心以及对积极投资以发挥最高生产力的推进毫无野心,则绝无进步的可能。
  • 无资者是受雇于人的,也就是说,他无须顾虑市场问题,无须为营运之好坏担忧,也不必考虑祈求进步的技术问题,这些都是资本家的责任。受雇佣的人,只是默默的遵循。
  • 对于这种一面牺牲自我为整个社会的机器献身,另一方面趋于追求自我利益的矛盾,我们如何去协调呢?我们只有从心理上的基本因素才能寻求解答。

3.3 Maxims [La Rochefoucauld, 1613-1680, French]

  • The constancy of the wise is only the talent of concealing the agitation of their hearts.
  • Neither the sun nor death can be looked at without winking.[直视太阳和死亡,不能不眨眼。]
  • If we had no pride we should not complain about that of others.
  • We have not enough strength to follow all our reason
  • We are never so happy or so unhappy as we suppose.
  • What grace is to the body, good sense is to the mind.[优雅之于身体,犹如良知之于精神。]
  • Our distrust of another justifies his deceit.
  • In the intercourse of life, we please more by our faults than by our good qualities.
  • There are different kinds of curiosity: one springs from interest, which makes us desire to know everything that may be profitable to us; another from pride, which springs from a desire of knowing what others are ignorant of.
  • There are relapses in the diseases of the mind as in those of the body; what we call a cure is often no more than an intermission or change of disease.
  • We easily forget those faults which are known only to ourselves.
  • Sovereign ability consists in knowing the value of things.
  • There is great ability in knowing how to conceal one’s ability.
  • Interest sets at work all sorts of virtues and vices.
  • Humility is often a feigned ( 假装的)submission which we employ to supplant others. It is one of the devices of pride to lower us to raise us; and truly pride transforms itself in a thousand ways, and is never so well disguised and more able to deceive than when it hides itself under the form of humility. [谦卑往往是一种假装的顺从,人们利用它来排挤掉别人。谦虚还是骄傲的一种诡计,它以退为进,以贬求扬。虽然骄傲形式各异,却没有任何一种能比隐藏在谦卑的形象下更具隐蔽性和欺骗性了。]
  • Good taste arises more from judgment than wit. [良好的品味更多来自判断而非理性]
  • What we call liberality is often but the vanity of giving which we like more than that we give away. [被称之为“慷慨”,往往不过是赠予者的虚荣心,人们对这种虚荣心花费的心思远远超过自己所赠送出去的东西]
  • Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great one as the wind blow out a candle, and blow in a fire.
  • Pride, which inspires, often serves to moderate envy. [骄傲,既激起我们对他人的嫉妒心,也不断地帮助我们缓和它。]
  • What commonly hinders us from showing the recesses of our heart to our friends is not the distrust we have of them, but that we have of ourself. [能阻止人们向朋友透露自己内心隐私的,通常不是对朋友的不信任,而是对自己的不信任。]
  • Weak persons can’t be sincere.
  • We pardon in the degree that we love.
  • To be a great man one should know how to profit by every phase of fortune.
  • We hardly find any persons of good sense, except those who agree with us.
  • The greatest miracle of love is to eradicate flirtation. [爱情的最大奇迹在于它杜绝了调情]
  • Ordinary men commonly condemn what is beyond them.
  • The desire of talking about ourselves, and of putting our fault in the light we wish them be seem, forms a great part of our sincerity. [谈论自己和把我们愿给别人看的那些缺点亮出来的欲望,构成了我们的真诚的一大部分]
  • A man is often more clever than one other, but not than all others.
  • It appears that nature has hidden at the bottom of our hearts talents and abilities unknown to us. It is only the passions that have the power of bringing them to light, and sometimes give us views more true and more perfect than art could possibly do. [本性是潜藏在我们心灵深处的不为我们所知的各种才智和能力,有能力揭开它面纱的只有激情]
  • We reach quite inexperienced the different stages of life, and often, in spite of the number of our years, we lack experience. [我们毫无经验地抵达人生的不同时期,而且无论我们在哪个年龄阶段,我们总是缺少那一时期的经验] “To most men experience is like the stern lights of a ship which illumine only the track it has passed———Coleridge”

  • The most dangerous folly of old persons who have been lovable is to forget that they are no longer so.

Hui: hope it is not that bad……

  • In love the quickest is always the best cure.
  • Few knows how to be old.
  • Penetration has a spice of divination in it which tickles our vanity more than any other quality of the mind. [洞察力有一副预言家的神奇,它比精神的其它特性都更能满足我们的虚荣心。]
  • In the old age of love as in life we still survive for the evils, though no longer for the pleasure.
  • Nothing prevents our being unaffected so much as our desire to seem so.[没有什么比期望看起来不矫揉造作更加矫揉造作的了]
  • However disposed the world may be to judge wrongly, it far often favors false merit than than does justice to true. [无论这个世界如何规划布置,它仍可能是不公平的,它总是宠爱伪善的德行,而非公正地对待真正的德行]
  • There are few women whose charm survives their beauty.
  • It is only people who possess firmness who can possess true gentleness. In those who appear gentle, it is generally only weakness, which is readily converted into harshness.[只有那些拥有坚强力量的人,才能拥有真正的温文尔雅。那些仅仅外表表现为温文尔雅的人,通常不过是软弱而已,并且这种文雅会轻易地转变为粗俗不堪]
  • Usually we are more satirical ’tɪrɪkl from vanity than malice. [一般来说人们的尖酸刻薄主要来自虚荣心而非心怀恶意]
  • We have more idleness in the mind than in the body.
  • Quarrels would not last long if the fault was only on one side.

3.4 On the Old Age [论老年, Marcus Tullius Cicero]

  • 最适合老年的养身之道莫过于研究学问和培养美德,一个人随时注意培养美德,在他度过漫长的一生时,便会收到惊人的结果。
  • 当我认真思考老年为什么被认为是不幸的时候,我想出了四条理由:
    1. 老年使人退出事业
    2. 老年使人失去感官娱乐
    3. 老年使人身体朽弱
    4. 老年离死期不远
  • 成就伟大事业有时不是靠气力、速度和灵巧,而是靠思想、威望和判断力。
  • 有什么长处就好好利用,没有,也不要叹息;否则青年就该叹息少年的消逝,成年就该叹息青春的消逝了。生命的途径是固定的,自然的道路是惟一的,单向的,生命的每一个阶段自有与其相对应的特性:童年软弱,青年狂妄,中年严厉,老年成熟,所有这些都是自然的属性,每一种特性分别属于与其相对应的生命时期。
  • 谁也不能怀疑,只要一个人沉湎于享乐之中,他是不可能运用他的智能的,凡事需要思索、考虑的事他都不可能去做。
  • 姑且认为青年更能享受那些娱乐,但正如我们所说的,首先,他们是在享受没有价值的东西;其次,老年虽然不强烈追求,但也不是完全不能享受。一个人的心灵若能在战胜情欲、野心、斗争、仇恨以及一切贪欲之后获得自有,或如常言说的获得解脱,该是多好啊!如果一个人真能做到求得知识和学问如同获得事物一般,那么没有什么比闲逸的老年时期更令人愉快的了。
  • 人死的时候也许有某种感觉,不过也是转瞬即逝,或者感觉快乐,或是毫无感觉。但是从青年时期起就要对死有这种认识,这样才能蔑视死亡;没有这种认识,便不会有宁静的心境,因为每个人都是要死的。死亡随时都可能降临。一个人害怕死亡,他的心怎能平静呢?……贪求一切的人才贪生
  • 当我们被禁锢在这肉体的躯壳里的时候,我们是在尽某种必尽的责任,完成某种劳苦的工作,因为灵魂本是来自天上,它从最高的居所降落下来后,好似沉沦于大地,沉沦于这个与其神圣天性相悖的地方。
  • 你们肯定注意到,没有什么比死更像睡眠了。人睡着的时候灵魂最能表现它神圣的本质;当灵魂自由自在,不受桎梏的时候,它能预见许多未来的事情,由此可见,在灵魂完全摆脱肉体的束缚之后,它该是什么样子。
  • 既然我们并非注定不死,那么到时候死去便是很好的事,因为自然像对待其他事物一样,也为生命规定了期限。有如戏剧,老年是人生的最后一幕,在我们活够了的时候,我们应该避免继续活下去,以免对生活感到厌倦。

3.5 On the Friendship [论友谊, Marcus Tullius Cicero]

  • 我们降生于世,相互便处于一种联系之中,并且彼此越接近,这种关系也越密切。由此,本国人便比外国人亲近,亲属间便比非亲属间亲近。自然本身让人们与常相接近的人之间产生友谊,不过这种友谊不是很稳固的。实际上,友谊在这里胜过亲属关系,因为亲属关系中可能没有情谊,而友谊中则不能没有它,因为如果没有情谊,真正意义上的友谊便不可能存在,而亲属关系却仍然保持。
  • 再如若是我们偶然发现某人的品行和性格和我们相合,我们便会明显对他产生一种爱意,因为我们觉得似乎在他身上看到某种正直和美德的光辉。
  • 预防和避免这一切过错和不愉快的惟一有效手段是不要很快就开始表露自己的敬爱之情,或者很快就敬爱一个不值得敬爱的人。只有那些本身具备令人敬爱的品质的人才值得缔结友谊。这样的人很少!一切美好的东西都是稀少的,而且没有什么比找到一个自身在各方面都完美无缺的东西更困难。……合理的是首先自己做一个高尚的人,然后再寻找与自己相似的朋友。……对一个人应该先判断,然后爱;而非先爱,然后判断。
  • 假设让一个人升上天空,让他看到宇宙的盛景和群星的璀璨,但这一惊人的壮观并不会令他愉快,只有他找到一个人述说后,他才会感到快乐。

3.6 On the Immortality of the Soul [论灵魂, Marcus Tullius Cicero]

  • 荣誉滋养艺术,声名激励每个人去从事它们,任何东西凡不受人重视,总是处于可怜的状态。

3.7 On the Laws [Cicero Marcus Tullius]

3.8 On the Nature of the Gods [Cicero Marcus Tullius]

3.9 An Insight of Chung-yung [中庸洞见,Tu Wei-ming]

3.10 Tolerence [宽容,Van Loon]

3.10.1 The Tyranny of Ignorance [无知的暴君]

  • It follows that a society in which everything happens as the result of the direct personal interference on the part of an invisible being must depend for its continuted existence upon a strict obedience of such laws as seem to appease the wrath of the Gods.
    The word taboo is of Australian origin. [在一个社会中,如果任何事情都被认为是由看不见的生灵操纵的,那么社会要维持下去,就必须绝对服从能平息神灵怒火的律法。]

Hui: I wonder more about who is going to give the law and if God is the one, how are we supposed to know the laws we are given are really from God. I don’t want to worry about the necessity of laws.

  • Whether the taboo was an invention of the priests or the priesthood was created to maintain the taboo is a problem which had not yet been solved. As tradition is much older than religion, it seems more than likely that taboos existed long before the world had heard of sorcerers and witchdoctors. [究竟是祭司发明了禁忌,还是为了维护禁忌才产生了祭司,这是尚待解决的问题。由于传统比宗教更为源远流长,因此很可能早在男巫师和女巫婆问世之前禁忌就存在了。]

Hui: According to the author, does he mean that the priesthood was created to maintain the taboo?

What we sometimes mistake for tolerance was merely indifference caused by ignorance. The struggle for tolerance did not begin until after the discovery of the individual. And the credit for this, the greatest of all modern revelations, belongs to the Greeks. [我们有时看到的宽容,实际上是由于无知导致的漠不关心。为宽容的斗争直到个性被发现后才开始,在现代最伟大的新发现中,个性发现这一荣誉应归功于希腊人。]

3.10.2 The Greeks [希腊人]

- According to the best knowledge of modern scientists, life (animate existence as differentiated from inanimate existence) began when for once all physical and chemical elements were present in the ideal proportion necessary for the creation of the first living cell. Translate this into terms of history and you get this: “A sudden and apparently spontaneous outbreak of a very high form of civilization is only possible when all the racial, climatic, economic and political conditions are present in an ideal proportion or in as nearly an ideal condition and proportion as they can be in this imperfect world.”


- Those farfamed heros were still the product of an exceedingly primitive form of civilization. They were over-grown children who regarded life as one long, glorified rough-house, full of excitement and wrestling matches and running races and all the many things which we ourselves would dearly love to do if we were not forced to stick to the rountine jobs which provide us with bread and bananas.


3.11 Why does the world exist? [世界为何存在]

3.12 The Theory of Moral Sentiments [Adam Smith]

3.12.1 Of the Propriety of Action Of the Sense of Propriety Of Sympathy
  1. Principles in the nature, the emotion which we feel for the misery of others when we either see it, or are made to conveive it in a very lively manner. (人性中的原始感情)
  2. 原因:看到引发那种感情的处境
  3. 恐惧死亡:对死者同情。我们把自己还活着的灵魂塞进他们已失去活力的躯壳里,然后设想在这种情况下我们自己将会有什么样的情绪。正是该错觉,在我们死后无疑不可能给我们带来任何痛苦的那些情况,在我们活着时想起来却让我们心痛不已。 Of the Pleasure of Mutual Sympathy [论彼此同情的快感]
  1. 最让我们愉快的事,显然莫过于发现他人的感觉和我们自己心理全部情绪一致;而最让我们震惊的,也莫过于发现他人和我们完全没有同感……同情感活化喜悦,缓和悲伤……我们更加渴望向朋友倾诉我们心理的不愉快;他们同情我们的不愉快,比同情我们的喜悦, 会让我们得到更大的满足,而他们对我们的不愉快缺乏同情感,则比他们对我们的喜悦缺乏同情感,更加另我们震惊。

3.13 Personality [人格心理学, Jerry M. Burger, 7th Edition]

3.13.1 What is Personality?

人格可以定义为源于个体身上的 稳定 行为方式和 内部过程 。该定义中有两个需要注意的点:

  1. 人格是稳定的,我们可以跨时间、跨情境地来审查这些稳定的行为方式。
  2. 内部过程, 它是从人的内心发生,影响人行为、感觉的所有情绪、动机和认知过程。

Hui: 该定义没有提到环境,而是着眼与个体层面,研究那些在不同情境下相对稳定的行为方式和内部心理过程。但是环境对人格还是会产生影响的,只是程度不同,这与背后存在共性并不矛盾。

3.14 Social Psychology [社会心理学, David G. Myers, 8th Edition]

3.14.1 Introducing Social Psychology

3.15 Intimate Relationship [亲密关系, Rowland S Miller & Daniel Perlman]

3.15.1 The Building Blocks of Relationships

The book is about:

What are intimate relationships? why do they matter so much? Fundamental building blocks of close relationships: the cultures we inhabit, the experiences we encounter, the personalities we possess, the human origins we all share, and the interactions we conduct.

  • Most of us need others even more than we realize, and there is a reason prisons sometimes use solitary confinement [单独监禁] as a form of punishment: Human beings are a very social species. People suffer when they are deprived of close contact with others, and at the core of our social nature is our need for intimate relationships. The nature and importance of intimacy

  • 人类社会属性的核心部分正是对亲密关系的需要

  • What is Intimate Relationship?
    1. Knowledge
    2. Care
    3. Interdependence
    4. Mutuality
    5. Trust
    6. Commitment
  • Attachment styles
    1. Secure
    2. Anxious-ambivalent/Preoccupied
    3. Avoident (Fearful and Dismissing)
  • 性别差异
    • 我们需要做更多工作并进行更复杂和精细思考的应该是个体差异,而非性别差异。
    • 约35%并不是完全“男子气”或“女人味”,他们既自信又热情,既敏感又独立。这些人同时拥有传统上认为应该属于男性和女性的特质,因而被称为双性化(androgynous)。与任务有关的“男子气”的才成称为工具性(instrumental)特质,与社交和情感有关的“女人味”的技能称为表达性(expressive)特质。…长期来看,与表达性低的配偶结婚的人就不如与那些更敏感、贴心和友善的人过得满意。低工具性的人(缺乏自信和个人魄力的人)往往不如那些高工具性的人(任务导向的技能高的人)自尊程度高和适应能力强。…那些拥有满意、幸福伴侣的最理想的夫妇通常工具性和表达性都很高。在实际生活中,大多数人更喜欢双性化的恋人或配偶。
    • 人格影响人际关系的程度远大于人际关系影响人格的程度。人们是否会结婚,似乎有部分是由基因决定的。某些人生而具有的人格使得他们比其他人更可能晚婚,而且这种倾向不大会受到他们后来经历的影响。
    • 自尊:对自我的评价。 人际间的拒绝会损害人们的自尊,而其他沮丧事件则不会。
    • 低自尊的人有时低谷伴侣对他们的爱,从而损害亲密关系,还觉知到根本就不存在的伴侣的模式。

3.16 The Road Less Travelled [M Scott Peck]

  • Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing.

  • Franklin:”Those things that hurt, instruct.” It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.

  • In the succinctly elegant words of Carl Jung: “Neruosis [精神官能症] is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.”

  • The neurosis assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder [人格失调] not enough.

  • Few of us can escape being neurosis or character disordered to at least some degree. The reason for this is that the problem of distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this life is one of the greatest problems of human existence.

  • It is for this reason that Erich Fromm so aptly (恰当地) titled his study of Nazism and authoritarianism “Escape from Freedom”. In attempting to avoid the pain of responsibility, millions and even billions daily attempt to escape from freedom.

  • Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know who to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.

  • The more honest one is, the easier it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their opens, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear. [一个人越是诚实,保持诚实就越容易,而谎言说的越多,则越要编造更过的谎言自圆其说。敢于面对事实的人能够心胸坦荡地生活,不必面临良心的折磨和恐惧的威胁。]

  • Balancing is the discipline that gives us flexibility

  • Mature mental health demands, then, an extraordinary capacity to flexibly strike and continually restrict a delicate balance between conflicting needs, goals, duties, responsibilities, directions etc. The essence of this discipline of balancing is “giving up”…Balancing is a discipline precisely because the act of giving something up is painful.

  • The discipline of bracketing illustrates the most consequential fact of giving up and of discipline in general: namely that fro all that is given up even more is gained. Self-discipline is a self-enlarging process.

  • Buddhists tend to ignore the Buddha’s suffering and Christians forget Christ’s joy. Buddha and Christ were not different men. The suffering of Christ letting go on the cross and the joy of Buddha letting go under the bo tree are one.

  • One measure—and perhaps the best measure—of a person’s greatness is the capacity for suffering. Yet the great are also joyful. This then is the paradox. [一个人是否杰出和伟大,视其承受痛苦的能力决定,而杰出伟大本身,则会给人带来快乐和幸福---表面是悖论,其实不然。]

  • A final word on this discipline of balancing and its essence of giving up: you must have something in order to give it up.

  • It is the difference between the peak experience, typified by falling in love, and what Abraham Maslow has referred to as the “plateau /ˈplætəʊ/ experience”. The heights are not suddenly glimpsed and lost again; they are attained forever.

  • Seneca said two millennia ago “Throughout the whole of life one must continue to learn to live and what will amaze you even more, throughout life one must learn to die.”

  • The child’s speech patterns are uneven—occasional rushes of words interspersed with pauses and repetitions—which makes concentration difficult.

  • Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future.

  • The highest forms of love are inevitably totally free choices and not acts of conformity. [放弃真正的自我,我们就无法进入爱的至高境界。至高境界的爱,必然是自由状态下的自主选择,而不是墨守成规,被动而消极地抗拒心灵的状态]

  • Problems of commitment are a major, inherent part of most psychiatric disorders and issues of commitment are crucial in the course of psychotherapy. Character-disordered individuals tend to form only shallow commitments, and when their disorders are severe /səˈvɪr/ these individuals seems to lack totally the capacity to form commitments at all.

  • The fact that a feeling is uncontrolled is no indication whatsoever that it is any deeper than a feeling that is disciplined. To the contrary, psychiatrists know well the truth of the old proverb:”Shallow brooks are noisy and still waters run deep.” We must not assume that someone whose feelings are modulated and controlled is not a passionate person. [恣意放纵,漫无节制的情感,绝不会自制的情感更为深刻。俗语说:“静水流深”。真正掌握和控制情感的人,不仅不缺少激情和活力,而且能使情感更为深刻和成熟。]

  • While one should not be a slave to one’s feelings, self-discipline does not mean the squashing of one’s feelings into non-existence. I frequently tell my patients that their feelings are their salves and that the art of self-discipline is like the art of slave-owning.

  • One set of such questions derives rather logically from the material thus far discussed. It has been made clear, for instance, that self-discipline develops from the foundation of love. But this leaves unanswered question of where love itself comes from. And if we ask that, we must also ask what are the sources of the absence of love. It has been further suggested that the absence of love is the major cause of mental illness and that the absence of love is consequently the essential healing element in psychotherapy. This being so, who is it that certain individuals, born and raised in an environment of non love, of unremitting neglect and casual brutality, somehow manage to transcend their childhood, sometimes even without the loving assistance of psychotherapy, and become mature, healthy and perhaps even saintly people? Conversely, how is it that some patients, apparently no more ill than others, fail partially or totally to respond to psychotherapeutic treatment by even the most wise and loving therapist?

  • I believe that an understanding of the phenomenon of grace is essential to complete understanding of the process of growth in human being.

  • As human beings grow in discipline and love and life experience, their understanding of the world and their place in it naturally grows apace. Conversely, as people fail to grow in discipline, love and life experience, so does their understanding fail to grow. Consequently, among the members of the human race there exists an extraordinary variability in the breadth and sophistication of our understanding of what life is all about. This understanding is our religion. Since everyone has some understanding—some world view, no matter how limited or primitive or inaccurate— everyone has a religion. This face, not widely recognized, is of the utmost importance: everyone has a religion.
    We suffer from a tendency to define religion too narrowly. We tend to think that religion must include a belief in God or some ritualistic practice or membership in worshiping group……We are puzzled as to how two very different people can both call themselves Christians. or Jews, or how an atheist might have a more highly developed sense of Christian morality than a Catholic who routinely attends mass. [随着爱和人生经验的增长,我们会越来越了解周围的世界,以及自己在世界中的位置。由于天赋以及成长环境的不同,每个人认识的广度和深度常常有着天壤之别。

  • We tend to believe what the people around us believe, and we tend to accept as truth what these people tell us of the nature of the world as we listen to them during our formative year.[我们通常很容易接纳周围人的信仰,把口耳相传的东西视为真理]

  • To some extent the religion of most adults is a product of transference [移情].Most of us operate from a narrower frame of reference than that of which we are capable, failing to transcend the influence of our particular culture, our particular set of parents and our particular childhood experience upon our understanding. It is no wonder that the world of humanity is so full of conflict. We have a situation in which human being, who must deal with each other, have vastly different views as to the nature of reality, yet each one believes his/her own view to be the correct one since it is based on the microcosm of personal experience. And to make matters worse, most of us are not even fully aware of our own world views, much less the uniqueness of the experience from which they are derived.

Hui: Here is a short conversation with my best friend:
Q: What is wrong with the world?
A: There are people.

  • 最有活力,最适合我们的信仰,理应从我们对现实的经验和认识中产生。经由质疑,挑战,检验的信仰,才是属于我们的信仰。…我想要真正地活着,就必须有自己的语言,拥有独一无二的怀疑与挑战的意识。我们有了自己的信仰,才能有成熟的心灵。[To be vital, to be best of which we are capable, our religion must be a wholly personal one, forged entirely through the fire of our questioning and doubting in the crucible of our own experience of reality…So for mental health and spiritual growth we must develop our own personal religion and not rely on that of our parents.]

  • We see dogmatism and proceeding from dogmatism, we see wars and inquisitions and persecutions. We see hypocrisy behind faith.[过分信仰上帝,容易使我们更加教条。正是从这样的教条主义中,曾产生过无数战争,宗教裁判所乃至各种迫害。在信仰的背后,曾隐藏着无数伪善的嘴脸。]

  • There is clearly a lot of dirty bath water surrounding the reality of God [不夸张地说,在真实的上帝周围,其实流淌着大量肮脏的洗澡水]: Holy wars [残酷的圣战], Inquisitions [宗教审判], Animal sacrifice [动物牺牲], Human sacrifice [活人献祭], Superstition [极度的迷信], Stultification [愚民政策], Dogmatism [教条主义], Ignorance [极端无知], Hypocrisy [伪装虔诚], Self-righteousness [自以为是], Rigidity [顽固不化], Cruelty, Book-buring [焚书坑儒], Witch burning [把女巫处以火刑], Inhibition, Fear, Conformity, Morbid guilt, Insanity [阻碍人类思维进步,制造恐惧,强迫服从,病态的原罪,疯狂的朝拜等等]. The list is almost endless. But is all this what God has done to humans or what humans have done to God? It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic. Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that human tend to be dogmatic? [可谓不可胜数。追根溯源,这一切究竟是上帝有负于人类,还是人类对不起上帝呢?无数宗教信仰都是以毁灭性的教条主义为特征,那么,问题出在我们过于信仰上帝,还是我们天生就容易流于教条主义呢?] Anyone who has known a died-in-the-wool atheist will know that such an individual can be dogmatic about unbelief we need to get rid of, or is it dogmatism? [熟悉顽固无神论者的人都知道,他们从不信仰神灵,以打破神灵崇拜为荣,乃至到了独断专行的程度。他们实际上并不比狂热的宗教信徒好到哪里。那么我们该屏蔽的是信仰本身还是教条主义呢?]

  • Another reason that scientists are so prone to throw the baby out with the bath water is that science itself, as I have suggested, is a religion. [科学家容易把婴儿和洗澡水一道泼掉的原因,还在于科学本身就是一种宗教。] The neophyte scientist, recently come or converted to the world view of science, can be every bit as fanatical ’nætɪkəl as Christian crusader or a soldier of Allah. [刚刚接受科学启蒙的新生科学家,其狂妄和偏执的程度,可能丝毫不逊于基督教的十字军,或者真主安拉的圣战勇士。] This is particularly the case when we have come to science from a culture and home in which belief in God is firmly hypocrisy. The we have emotional as well as intellectual motives to smash the idols of primitive faith. A mark of maturity in scientist, however, is their awareness that science may be as subject to dogmatism as any other religion. [如果他们的家庭或文化背景原本就带有宗教的无知,迷信,顽固与伪善成分,他们的狂妄和偏执就可能更严重。在破除原有的信仰崇拜方面,我们的动机不仅有知性因素,也含有情感成分。科学家成熟的标志之一就是能够意识到,像其他任何宗教一样,科学也可能流于教条主义。]

  • I have firmly stated that it is essential to our spiritual growth for us to become scientists who are skeptical of what we have been taught—that is , the common notions and assumptions of our culture idols, and it is necessary that we become skeptical of these as well. [我坚定地认为,对于别人教给我们的一切,包括通常的文化观念以及一切陈规旧习,采取冷静和怀疑的态度,才是心智成熟不可或缺的元素。科学本身很容易成为一种文化偶像,我们亦应该保持怀疑态度。]

  • A third way in which the unconscious manifests itself and speaks to us if we care to listen is through our behavior. I am referring to slips of the tongue and other “mistakes” in behavior or “freudian slips”, which Freud, in his “Psychopathology of everyday life”, initially demonstrated to be manifestations of the unconscious [虽然常常对潜意识不予理会,但它仍时刻渴望与我们对话。我们的言行足以暴露一切。我们经常说错话,也就是弗洛伊德所说的“说漏嘴”。我们在个人行为上所犯的可笑“错误”也会揭示出潜意识与我们沟通的渴望]……Not all slips express hostility or denied “negative” feelings. They express all denied feelings, negative or positive. They express the truth, the way things really are as opposed to the way we like to think they are.[人们不经意间说出某些奇怪的话,做出异于平常的举动,原因各种各样,但往往是受到压抑的东西的一种自然流露,其中既包括消极的东西,也包括积极的东西。它们是客观而真实的,尽管我们可能不想公之于众。] The fact of the matter is that our unconscious is wiser than we are about everything.

  • Jung’s theory of the collective unconscious suggests that our wisdom is inherited. Recent scientific experiments with genetic material in conjunction with the phenomenon of memory suggest that it is indeed possible to inherit knowledge, which is stored in the form of nucleic acid codes within cells. [荣格的“集体无意识”理论暗示出,我们的智慧来自于对全人类智慧的继承。最近的科学实验把遗传物质痛记忆现象结合起来进行研究,结论证明我们的基因很可能继承了某些知识,并在细胞里以核酸遗传密码的形式储存。]

  • Decline of physical competence in old age is an inevitability. Within an individual lifetime, however, the human spirit may evolve dramatically…One of the basic natural laws is the second law of thermodynamics, which states that every naturally flows from a state of greater organization to a state of lesser organization, from a state of higher differentiation to a state of lower differentiation. In other words, the universe is in a process of winding down…Some other energy system has to be depleted if this one is to be maintained. Ultimately, according to the second law of thermodynamics, in billions and billions of years, the universe will completely wind down until it reaches the lowest point as as amorphous, totally disorganized, totally undifferentiated “blob” in which nothing happens any more. This state of total disorganization and undifferentiation is termed entropy. [随着年龄的增长,肉体的衰老是不可避免的结果,但在人的一生中,心灵却可以不断进化,乃至发生根本性的改变……按照热力学第二定律,能量会自然地从有序状态流向混乱状态,从分化状态流向均一状态。换句话说,宇宙的秩序处于持续不断的崩解之中…为维持某处的秩序保持不变,必须以其他地方的秩序崩解为代价。这样下去,经过数十亿年,整个宇宙会完全分解,其秩序降至最低点,成为没有任何形状和结构,不再发生分化的死寂状态,我们称之为“熵”。]

  • The process of spiritual growth is an effortful and difficult one. This is because it is conducted against a natural resistance, against a natural inclination to keep things the way they were, to cling to the old maps and old ways of doing things, to take the easy path……But as in the case of physical evolution, the miracle is that this resistance is overcome. We do grow. [心灵的成长,心智的成熟需要不断努力,而且必然是艰苦的过程。它必须与自然法则对抗,必须跟循规蹈矩的自然倾向背道而驰…我们习惯于走平坦的道路,害怕道路熵荆棘遍布。在反抗自然法则的过程中,心灵需要同熵的力量对抗,就如同生物进化一样,我们的心灵克服了熵的力量,才一直成长到今天。]

  • But what is this force that pushed us as individuals and as a whole species to grow against the natural resistance of our own lethargy? We have already labeled it. It is love. Love was defined as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. When we grow, it is because we are working at it, and we are working at it because we love ourselves. It is through love that we elevate ourselves. And it is through our love for others that we assist others to elevate themselves. Love, the extension of the self, is the very act of evolution. It is evolution in progress. The exclusionary force, present in all of life, manifest itself in mankind as human love. Among humanity love is the miraculous force that defies the natural law of entropy. [归根结底,推动个人乃至整个物种克服懒惰和其它自然阻力的力量究竟是什么?其实我们已经给它取了名字,那就是“爱”。我们之所以能够成长,在于持续的努力,我们之所以能够付出努力,是因为懂得自尊自爱。对自己的爱是我们愿意遵循规矩去生活,对别人的爱让我们帮助他们去自我完善。自我完善的爱是一种典型的进化行为,具有生生不息的特征。在生物世界中存在着永久儿普遍的进化力量,体现在人类身上,就是具有人性的爱。它违反熵增的自然规律,是一种永远走向进步的神奇力量。]

  • We are stuck with this childlike notion of a loving God or else with a theoretical vacuum.

  • Our failure to conduct — or to conduct fully and whole heartedly —this internal debate between good and evil is the cause of those evil actions that constitute sin … It is work to hold these internal debates. They require time and energy just to conduct them…For laziness takes forms other than that related to the bare number of hours spent on the job or devoted to one’s responsibilities to others. A major form that laziness takes is fear … Each of us represents the whole human race; within each of us is the instinct for godhood and the hope for mankind, and within each of us is the original sin of laziness. [我们回避内心的善恶辩论,就产生了许多构成原罪的邪恶行为。…完成心灵的辩论需要努力,需要时间,需要坚强的意志。…懒惰与你花多少时间工作,如何对待别人尽职尽责没有多少关系。懒惰的一个主要特征就是恐惧感。… 在每一个人的身体中都拥有向往神性的本能,都有达到完美境界的欲望,同时也都有懒惰的原罪。]

Hui: 不仅仅是行为上的懒惰,更是思想上的懒惰。如La Rochefoucauld在Maxims中说的:“We have more idleness in the mind than in the body.” 我们觉得累了,不想进行善恶的争辩,于是就听之任之。

  • First, I have come to conclude that evil is real. It is not the figment of the imagination of a primitive religious mind feebly attempting to explain the unknown…My second conclusion then is that evil is laziness carried to its ultimate, extraordinary extreme…I define evil, then, as the exercise of political power—that is, the position of one’s will upon others by overt or covert coercion—in order to avoid extending one’s self for the purpose of nurturing spiritual growth…My third conclusion is that the existence of evil is inevitable, at least at this stage in human evolution…Last, I have come to conclude that while entropy is an enormous force, in its most extreme force of human evil. It is strangely ineffective as a social force. [首先,我相信邪恶是真实存在的,它并非原始宗教为解释某些不可知现象而凭空捏造的一种概念。…第二,所谓邪恶就是为所欲为,横行霸道式的懒惰。…关于“邪恶”,我们可以给出这样的定义:邪恶式运用一切影响力阻止他人心智成熟与自我完善的行为。…第三,至少到目前人类进化的这一阶段,邪恶式不可避免的。…最后,熵是一种强大的力量,是人性极恶的体现。]

  • There is another problem with power: aloneness

  • Through bracketing and the attention of love we grow more aware of our beloved and of the world …The word “conscious” is derived from the Latin prefix “con” means “to know with”. But how are we to understand this “with”? To know with what? We have spoken of the fact that the unconscious part of our mind is the possessor of extraordinary knowledge. It knows more than we know, “we” being defined as our conscious self. And when we become aware of a new truth, it is because we recognize it to be true; we re-know that which we knew all along. Therefore, might we not conclude that to become conscious is to know with unconscious? The development of consciousness is the development of awareness in our conscious mind of knowledge along with our unconscious mind, which already possess that knowledge. It is a process of the conscious mind coming into synchrony with the unconscious …To put it plainly, our unconscious is God, God within us. We were part of God all the time. God has been with us all along, is now and always will be…I have said that the ultimate goal of spiritual growth is for the individual to become as one with God.[要使心智成熟,必须认清自己的偏见和局限。我们经由爱、包容和关怀,可以渐渐了解自己,了解所爱的人和整个世界。…“意识”这个词来源于拉丁文,本意是“共同认识与了解”。那么意识的对立面是什么呢?我认为就是潜意识,潜意识知道的事情永远比意识多得多。我们获得一项真理,得到一种启示,不过是重新认识潜意识里原本存在的事情。获得新的真理和启示,其实是意识和潜意识同步。…我们的潜意识就是上帝,我们内心的上帝。我们是上帝的一部分,上帝一直与我们同在,无论现在还是未来。…心智成熟的终极目标是天人合一。]

3.17 People of the lie [M Scott Peck]

3.17.1 Introduction: Handle with care

  • Remember Saint Augustine’s advice to hate the sin but love the sinner. [憎恨罪恶,但要爱有罪的人]
  • Great evil has been committed throughout the centuries–and is still committed–by nominal Christians, often in the name of Christ.
  • There are hundreds of thousands who go to Christian churches every Sunday who are not the least bit willing to be displeasing to themselves, serenely or otherwise, and who are not, therefore, for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter. Conversely, there are millions of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, atheists and agnostics who are willing to bear that trial.

3.17.2 The man who made a pact with the devil

  • obsessive-compulsive neurosis (强迫妄想型精神官能症):have their origins in early childhood; have propensity for what psychiatrists call “magical thinking”. Magical thinking can take a variety of forms, but basically it is a belief that thoughts in and of themselves may cause events to occur. Young children normally think magically. Ordinarily we grow out of this tendency to think magically and by adolescence are quite certain that we do not have the power to control external events by our thoughts alone. Frequently children who have been unduly traumatized one way or another do not grow out of their magical-thinking stage. This is particularly true of people with an obsessive-compulsive neurosis.
  • In the late 17th century, Religion agreed that the “natural world” was the the sole province of the scientists. And science agreed, in turn, to keep its nose out of the spiritual-or for that matter, anything to do with values. Indeed, science defined itself as “value-free”.
  • the pattern of unwanted thoughts and the taking of undesired actions

3.17.3 Toward A Psychology of Evil

  • In the late 17th century, religion agreed that the “natural world” was the sole province of the scientists. And science agreed, in turn, to keep its nose out of the spiritual—or for that matter, anything to do with values. Indeed, science defined itself as “value-free”.

Science has also steered clear of the problem of evil because of the immensity of the mystery involved … Theirs is a “left brain”, analytical style. Their standard procedure is to bite off tiny little pieces at a time and then to examine such pieces in relative isolation. They prefer little mysteries to big ones.

  • While some seek in religion an escape from mystery, for others religion is a way to approach mystery. The latter are not loath to employ the reductionistic(还原论,简化论) methods of science, but they are also not reluctant to use more integrative “right brain” means of exploration: meditation, intuition, feeling, faith, and revelation. For them bigger the mystery, the better.
  • The problem of evil can hardly be separated from the problem of goodness. Were there no goodness in the world, we would not even be considering the problem of evil.
  • It is as if we automatically assume this is a naturally good world that has somehow been contaminated by evil……If we seriously think about it, it probably makes more sense to assume this is a naturally evil world that has somehow been mysteriously “contaminated” by goodness, rather than the other way around. The mystery of goodness is even greater than the mystery of evil.
  • Thus we may “break” a horse or even a child without harming a hair on its head. Erich Fromm was acutely sensitive to this fact when he broadened the definition of necrophilia (恋尸癖)to include the desire of certain people to control others—–to make them controllable, to foster their dependency, to discourage their capacity to think for themselves, to diminish their unpredictability and originality, to keep them in line. Distinguishing it from a “biophilic” person(具有生物自卫本能的人), one who appreciates and fosters the variety of life forms and the uniqueness of the individual, he demonstrated a “necrophilic character type” whose aim is to avoid the inconvenience of life by transforming others into obedient automatons(机械般行动的人或动物), robbing them of their humanity…..Evil is that force, residing either inside or outside of human beings, that seeks to kill life or liveliness. Goodness is that which promotes life and liveliness.(弗洛姆广义的界定“恋尸癖”时,增列了某些人对他人的控制欲:使他人受控制,增强依赖度,削弱其主动性,接受管束。弗洛姆将“恋尸癖性格的人”和“具有生物自卫本能的人”加以区分:前者将他人改变为顺从的机器人,剥夺他们的人性,借以回避人生的艰难;而后者则承认并鼓励生命的多样变化,以及“人”独有的特性。)
  • A psychology of evil must be a religious psychology……it must not only embrace valid insights from all religious traditions but must also recognize the reality of the “supernatural”.
  • Having fled the Jewish persecution of the Hitler regime, the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm spent much of the rest of his life studying the evil of Naziism. He (原书中讲他是第一个也是唯一一个确定邪恶人格类型的科学家,此书写与1983年,这个说法已经不正确了)…….to identify an evil personality type, to attempt to examine evil people in depth, and to suggest that they be studied still further.
  • The great Jewish theologian Martin Buber distinguished between two types of myths about evil. One type conerns people in the process of “sliding” into evil. The other concerns those who have already slid, “fallen victim” to and been taken over by “radical” evil.

  • The case of Bobby and his parents
    • To children–even adolescents–their parents are like Gods. The way their parents do things seems the way they should be done. Children are seldom able to objectively compare their parents to other parents. They are not able to make realistic assessments of their parents’ behavior. Treated badly by its parents, a child will usually assume that it is bad. If treated as an ugly, stupid second-class citizen, it will grow up with an image of itself as ugly, stupid and second-class. Raised without love, children come to believe themselves unlovable. We may express this as a general law of child development: Whenever there is a major deficit in parental love, the child will, in all likelihood, respond to that deficit by assuming itself to be the cause of the deficit, thereby developing an unrealistically negative self-image.
    • People have feelings about each other. When psychotherapists have feelings about their patients, they label those feelings “countertransference”. Countertransference can run the whole gamut of human emotions from the most intense love to the most intense hatred.
    • Reactions evil frequently engender: 1. revulsion 2. confusion
    • But what would make revulsion a healthy response? Why might it be an appropriate countertransference for an emotionally healthy therapist? Revulsion is a powerful emotion that causes us to immediately want to avoid, to escape, the revolting presence.
    • It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.

    Hell is essentially a state of being which we fashion for ourselves: a state of final separateness from God which is the result not of God’s repudiation of man, but of man’s repudiation of God, and a repudiation which is eternal precisely because it has become, in itself, immovable. There are analogies in human experience: the hate which is so blind, so dark, that Love only makes it the more violent; the pride which is so stony that humility only makes it more scornful; the inertia which has so taken possession of the personality that no crisis, no appeal, no inducement whatsoever, can stir it into activity, but on the contrary makes it bury itself the more deeply in its immobility. So with the soul and God; pride can become hardened into hell, hatred can become hardened into hell, any of the seven root forms of wrongdoing can harden into hell, and not least that sloth which is boredom with divine things, the inertia that cannot be troubled to repent, even though it sees the abyss into which the soul is falling, because for so long it has accustomed itself to refuse whatever might cost it an effort. May God in his mercy save us from that.

    • A predominant characteristic of the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection…Scapegoating works through a mechanism psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others…Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters. In The Road Less Traveled I defined evil “as the exercise of political power–that is, the imposition of one’s will upon others by overt or covert coercion–in order to avoid…spiritual growth [运用一切手段拒绝性灵成长,而恶性扩张自我的行为]”.

    • There are people, both in and out of jail, who seem utterly lacking in conscience or super-ego. Pyschiatrists call them psychopaths[精神病患者] or sociopaths[社会病患者]…This is hardly the case with those I call evil. Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. Like Bobby’s parents, they dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach.[我所谓的恶人,是那些为了保护“完美”自我形象,而处心积虑维护道德完美假象的那类人。他们重视自己的道德形象,对于社会及别人对他们的看法,保持高度的敏感。这类人像Babby的父母一样,衣着体面,上班循规蹈矩,不逃税漏税,很难从他们表面的为人处事上挑出毛病。]

    • A leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon…If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic, it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes[n. 变迁,盛衰,变化无常] of its intolerable life.

    • Free will is paradox. There are only two states of being: submission to God and goodness or the refusal to submit to anything beyond one’e own will—which refusal automatically enslaves one to the forces of evil. We must ultimately belong either to God or the devil. This paradox was expressed by Christ when he said: “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it. And whosoever shall lose his life, for my sake, shall find it.”

3.17.4 The encounter with evil in everyday life

  • It is often the most spiritually healthy and advanced among us who are called on to suffer in ways more agonizing than anything experienced by the more ordinary.

  • The evil deny the suffering of their guilt — the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and imperfection — by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating…Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil! They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What processes them, drives them? Basically, it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful.

  • I believe that illness and disease should be defined as any defect in the structure of our bodies or our personalities that prevents us from fulfilling our potential as human beings…we may have some differences of opinion as to what exactly constitutes the human potential. We can study these people (their lives seem almost to touch on the divine) and examine their characteristics (Maslow’s description of “self-actualized” persons in his Motivation and personality). Briefly, they are wise and aware; they enjoy life with gusto, yet face and accept death; they not only work productively but creatively, and they obviously love their fellow human beings, whom they lead with a benignity of both intent and result.

  • Ambulatory schizophrenia: people who generally function well in the world, who never develop a full-blown schizophrenic illness or require hospitalization but who demonstrate a disorganization in their thinking—particularly at times of stress — which resembles that of more obvious “classical” schizophrenia……In addition to the abrogation of responsibility that characterizes all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by:

  1. consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle.
  2. excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury.
  3. pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives.
  4. intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic like disturbance of thinking at times of stress.
  • Psychotherapy is a highly intrusive process, and the therapist is invariably an authority figure.

  • We all of us tend to be more or less self-centered in our dealings with others. We usually view any given situation first and foremost from the standpoint of how it affects us personally, and one as an afterthought do we bother to consider how the same situation might affect someone else involved. Nonetheless, particularly if we care for the other person, we usually can and eventually do think about his or her viewpoint, which may well be different from ours.
    Not so those who are evil. Theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, this capacity for empathy.

  • Their narcissism makes the evil dangerous not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the fact that the evil need victims to sacrifice their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it gives them the motive for murder, so it also renders them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not “see” others at all.

Another form of devastation that narcissistic intrusiveness can create is the symbiotic relationship. “Symbiosis”, as we use the term in psychiatry, is not a mutually beneficial state of interdependency. Instead it refers to a mutually parasitic and destructive coupling.

  • Phobias are the result of displacement. They occur when a normal fear or revulsion toward something is displaced onto something else. People employ this defensive displacement because they don’t want to acknowledge the original fear or revulsion.

  • It was the task of parents to assist their children to achieve their own independence and separateness. In order to achieve in this task it was essential for parents to tolerate their own loneliness so as to allow and even encourage their children to eventually leave them. Instead, to discourage such separation not only represented a failure in the parental task but a sacrificing of the child’s growth to the parent’s own immature self-centered desires. It was destructive.

  • The process of deep healing, at least within the psychoanalytic framework, requires the patient to regress on some level to some degree. it is no easy thing for adults, accustomed to independence and the psychologic trappings of maturity, to allow themselves to become like young children again, dependent and so very vulnerable. And the deeper the disturbance, the more hungry and painful and wounding the patient’s childhood, the more difficult it is to return to the childhood condition within the therapeutic relationship. It is like a death. Yet it can be accomplished. When it is, healing will result. When it does not, the foundation cannot be reconstructed. No regression, no healing; it is as simple as that.

Hui: How to prove those psychoanalytic results?

  • The essence of maternal love for the infant is affirmation. The ordinary, healthy mother loves her infant for no reason other than simply the fact that it is there. The infant does not have to do anything to earn her love. There are no strings attached to it. The love is unconditional. She loves the infant for itself, as it is. This love is a statement of affirmation; it says, “You are of great value simply because you exist.”

Hui: It is unconditional. And as the author mentioned before, it was essential for parents to tolerate their own loneliness so as to allow and even encourage their children to eventually leave them. Conditional parental love is destructive.

  • Autism is narcissism in its ultimate form. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture.

Hui: Isn’t autism from gene? It is very hard for me to buy in those psychoanalytic opinions.

  • I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse.

Hui: Another non-falsifiable statement .

  • I have learned these past years that evil, whether it be demonic or human, is surprisingly obedient to authority. Why this is so I do not know. Let me stress that authority over the over the power of evil does not come easily. It is gained by enormous exertion in addition to knowledge. Such exertion can be born only of love.

3.17.5 Charlene: a teaching case

  • Obsessive-compulsive neurosis: symptom of ritualistic behavior

  • All healthy children experience sexual desire fro the parent of the opposite sex. This desire usually reaches its peak around 4 or 5 and is referred to as the Oedipal dilemma. It places the child in a dreadful predicament. The romantic love of the child for the parent is a hopeless love. The child will say to its parent,”I know you tell me that I can’t have sex with you because I’m a child, but just look at how grown-up I am acting and you will change your mind.” This grown-up act requires enormous energy, however, and ultimately cannot be sustained by the child. It becomes exhausted. Resolution of the dilemma finally occurs when the exhausted child accepts the reality that it is a child and cannot, and no longer desires to, pull off the appearance of adulthood. In so doing, the child also realizes it cannot have its cake and eat it too; it cannot both sexually possess its parent and at the same time be a child. It therefore opts for the advantages of being a child and renounces its premature sexuality. The Oedipal dilemma has be solved. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, particularly the child, who becomes visible happier and more relaxed……A major reason children often fail to resolve the Oedipus complex is that they have failed to receive adequate parental love and attention in the years before the age of four, the so-called pre-Oedipal years.

Hui: I doubt the Oedipus complex. Where is the evidence? I don’t see any controlled experiment.

3.17.6 Of possession and exorcism

  • Conversion to a belief in God generally requires some kind of actual encounter — a personal experience — with the living God. Conversion to a belief in Satan is no different.

  • It is an old maxim of science that once you answer a question, others immediately take its place.

  • The differences between psychoanalytic psychotherapy and exorcism fall into two categories: conceptual frames of reference and the use of power.

  • …in all serous cases more is required than knowledge and skill; it is only love that can heal.

hypomanic [轻度狂躁] and intermittently psychotic

  • possession appears to be a gradual process in which the possessed person repeatedly sells out for one reason or another.

  • … the effectiveness of “silent treatment” requires no demons for explanation. Perhaps particularly because they were lonely people, thirsting for relationships, the technique encouraged the appearance of separate selves (which could be related with) and hence the necessity to choose between those selves. In regard to the possession, I could talk in terms of “splitting” and “psychic introjects.” And in regard to the exorcisms, I could talk in terms of brainwashing, deprogramming, reprogramming, catharsis, marathon group therapy and identification. But I am left with a critical 5 percent I cannot explain in such ways. I am left with the supernatural——or better yet, sub-natural. [It does not mean that the demon explanation is the right way. Because science is always under developing. In the ancient time, human resort to supernatural to explain lighting and thunder. ]

  • Human free will is basic. It takes precedence over healing. Even God cannot heal a person who does not want to be healed.

  • Many skills were required in each of these battles with the demonic: analytic detachment, compassionate involvement, intellectual formulation, intuitive insight, spiritual discernment, deep understanding of theology, thorough knowledge of psychiatry, great experience with prayer, and others.

  • Perhaps the greatest problem of theodicy is the question why God, having created Satan in the first place, simply didn’t wipe it out after its rebellion. The question presupposes that God would wipe anything out. It assumes that God can punish and kill. Perhaps the answers is that God gave Satan free will and that God cannot destroy; He can only create……The point is that God does not punish. To create us in His image, God gave us free will. To have done otherwise would have been to make us puppets or hollow mannequins. Yet to give us free will God had to forswear the use of force against us. We do not have free will when there is a gun pointed at our back. It is not necessarily that God lacks the power to destroy us, to punish us, but that in His love for us He has painfully and terrible chosen never to use it. In agony He must stand by and let us be. He intervenes only to help, never to hurt. The Christian God is a God of restraint. Having forsworn the use of power against us, if we refuse His help, He has no recourse but, weeping, to watch us punish ourselves……..This point is unclear in the Old Testament. There God is depicted as punitive. But it begins to become clear with Christ. In Christ, God Himself impotently suffered death at the hands of human evil. He did not raise a finger against His persecutors. Thereafter in the New Testament we hear echoes of the punitive Old Testament God, one way or another, saying that “the wicked will get what’s coming to them.” But these are only echoes; a punishing God does not enter the picture ever again.

Hui: I still don’t understand the gap between Old Testament and New Testament.

  • Of the Holocaust as well as of lesser evils it is often asked, “How could a loving God allow such a thing to happen?” It is a bleeding, brutal question. The Christian answer may not suit our tastes, but it is hardly ambiguous. Having forsaken force, God is impotent to prevent the atrocities that we commit upon one another. He can only continue to grieve with us. He will offer us himself in all His wisdom, but He cannot make us choose to abide with Him…….Satan cannot do evil except through a human body.

  • In Christian eschatology (the study of the last day) there are two scenarios for Satan. In one all human souls, having been covered to light and love, reach out to the spirit of hate and falsehood in friendship. Finally realizing itself to be totally defeated, with no human body left to possess, with all immune to its power, out of utter loneliness it breaks down and accepts the offer of friendship, and thereby in the end even Satan is converted. In the other scenario, refusing ever to lose, Satan forever rejects the “humiliating” hands of friendship and suffers its icy solitariness until the end of time.

3.17.7 Mylai: an examination of group evil

Morning of March 16, 1968, elements of Task Force Barker moved into a small group of hamlets known collectively as MyLai in the Quang Ngai province of South Vietnam. It was intended to be a typical “search-and-destroy mission”———that is, the American troops were searching for Vietcong soldiers so as to destroy them.

  • Triggers are pulled by individuals. Orders are given and excited by individuals. In the last analysis, every single human act is ultimately the result of an individual choice. No one of the individuals who participated in the atrocities at MyLai or in their cover-up is blameless. Even the helicopter pilot——the only one brave enough and good enough to attempt to stop the massacre—— can be blamed for not reporting what he saw beyond the first echelon of authority over him.

  • For many years it has seemed to me that human groups tend to behave in much the same ways as human individuals —— except at a level that is more primitive and immature than one might expect. Specialization is one of the greatest advantages of groups. On the other hand, I am thoroughly convinced that much of the evil of our times is related to specialization and that we desperately need to develop an attitude of suspicious caution toward it. [Mechanism: the fragmentation of conscience] Whenever the roles of individuals within a group become specialized, it becomes both possible and easy for the individual to pass the moral buck to some other part of the group.

  • As with any lie, the primary motive of the cover-up was fear.

  • Besides regression, there is another mechanism whereby human beings respond to stress. It is a mechanism of defense. Robert Jay Lifton, who studied the survivors of Hiroshima and other disasters, has called it “psychic numbing.” In a situation in which our emotional feelings are overwhelmingly painful or unpleasant, we have the capacity to anesthetize ourselves.

  • This capacity for emotional self-anesthesia obviously has its advantages. Undoubtedly it has been built into us through evolution and enhances our ability to survive. it allows us to continue to function in situations so ghastly we would fall apart if we preserved our normal sensitivity. The problem, however, is that this self-anesthetizing mechanism seems not to be very specific. If because we live in the midst of garbage our sensitivity to ugliness becomes diminished, it is likely that we will become litterers and garbage-strewers ourselves. Insensitive to our own suffering, we tend to become insensitive to the suffering of others. Treated with indignity, we lose not only the sense of our own dignity but also the sense of the dignity of others.

  • Since we normally regress in the face of stress, can we not say that human beings are more likely to be evil in times of stress than in times of comfort?…..Stress is the test for goodness. The truly good are they who in time of stress do not desert their integrity, their maturity, their sensitivity. Nobility might be defined as the capacity not to regress in response to degradation, not to become blunted in the face of pain, to tolerate the agonizing and remain intact. As I have said elsewhere, “one measure ——— and perhaps the best measure——— of a person’s greatness is the capacity for suffering”

  • It is simply easy to follow, and much easier to be a follower than a leader. There is no need to agonize over complex decisions, plan ahead, exercise initiative, risk unpopularity, or exert much courage…..there is a profound tendency for the average individual to emotionally regress as soon as he becomes a group member.

  • Probably the most powerful of these group cohesive forces is narcissism. In its simplest and most benign form, this is manifested in group pride…….It is almost common knowledge that the best way to cement group cohesiveness is to ferment the group’s hatred of an external enemy. Deficiencies within the group can be easily and painlessly overlooked by focusing attention on the deficiencies or “sins” of the out-group.

  • …evil individuals will flee self-examination and guilt by blaming and attempting to destroy whatever or whoever high-lights their deficiencies. Now we see that the same malignant narcissistic behavior comes naturally to groups……the failing group is the one likely to behave most evilly. Failure wounds our pride, and it is the wounded animal who is vicious.

  • I was speaking of the regression that individuals undergo when they take the role of followers in a group, I was talking of specialization. The follower is not a whole person. He whose accepted role is neither to think nor lead has defaulted his capacity to think and lead. And because thinking and leading are no longer his specialty or duty, he usually defaults his conscience in the bargain.

  1. the specialized group inevitably develops a group character that is self-reinforcing.
  2. specialized groups are therefore particularly prone to narcissism —— that is, to experiencing themselves as uniquely right and superior in relation to other homogeneous groups.
  3. the society at large —— partly through the self-selection process described —— employs specific types of people to perform its specialized roles —— as, for instance, it employs aggressive, conventional men to perform its police functions.
  • The core of the military is the career soldier, the twenty-or thirty- year man, whether senior officer or NCO……But secretaries of defense come and go. Draftees and four-year enlistees come and go. The career men stay on, and it is they who not only give the military its continuity; they give it its soul.

  • We humans are so constituted that we need a sense of our own social significance. Nothing can give us more pleasure than the sense that we are wanted and useful……The state of war is therefore not only psychologically satisfying to the career solider but economically rewarding as well……It is inevitable then that the ordinary career military man, unconsciously, if not consciously, desires war. War is his fulfillment.

  • The prevailing attitude of career personnel was not one of doubt or caution or restraint.

  • It is practically an axiom that cornered or wounded animals are particularly vicious or dangerous. the birth of evil from a condition of threatened narcissism.

  • As long as we just have military organization, I suggest that our society must seriously consider de-specializing it to the ultimate degree possible. What I would propose is a combination of several old ideas: universal service and a national service corps.

  • American Society in 1968: basically, we fought the war because of a combination of three attitudes

  1. communism was a monolithic evil force hostile to human freedom in general and American freedom in particular;
  2. it was America’s duty as the world’s most economically powerful nation to read the opposition against communism;
  3. communism should be opposed wherever it arose by whatever means necessary
  • Immediately following the end of World War II, the Communist USSR, with extraordinary speed and aggressiveness, imposed its political domination over almost the entirety of western Europe: Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, East Germany, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Albania and presumably Yugoslavia.

  • Attitudes have a kind of inertia. Once set in motion, they will keep going, even in the face of the evidence. To change an attitude requires a considerable amount of work and suffering. The process must begin either in an effortfully maintained posture of constant self-doubt and criticism or else in a painful acknowledgment that what we thought was right all along may not be right after all. Then it proceeds into a state of confusion. This state is quite uncomfortable; we no longer seem to know what is right or wrong or which way to go. But it is a state of openness and therefore of learning and growing. it is only form the quicksand of confusion that we are able to leap to the new and better vision.

  • But as is the case with certain individuals, the narcissism whole nations may at times exceed the normal bounds.

  • In the failure of the Diem regime, which we sponsored, in the failure of all our “advisers” and Green Berets and massive economic and military aid to counteract the expansion of the Viet Cong, the sickness or wrongness of our policies was exposed to ourselves.

  • This book is entitled People of the Lie because lying is both a cause and a manifestation of evil.

  • The almost total lack of instincts —— elaborate, predetermined, stereotypic behavior patterns —— is the most significant aspect of human nature. It is our lack of instincts that is responsible for the extraordinary variability and mutability of our nature and our behavior. What replaces species-wide instincts in human beings is learned individual choice. Each of us is ultimately free to choose how we are going to behave…..Free will is the ultimate human reality……Evil is the inevitable concomitant of free will, the price we pay for our unique human power of choice.

  • War today is at least as much a matter of national pride as of racial pride. What we call nationalism is more frequently a malignant national narcissism than it is a healthy satisfaction in the accomplishments of one’s culture. In fact, to a large extent it is nationalism that preserves the nation-state system.

  • Organized, group, intra-species mass killing —— war —— is a uniquely human form of behavior. Idealists are people who believe in the potential of human nature for transformation. But I have already stated that the most essential attribute of human nature is its mutability and freedom from instinct —— that it is always within our power to change our nature. So it is actually the idealists who are on the mark and the realists who are off base.

  • We are living in the age of Institution. A century ago the majority of Americans were self-employed. Today all but a small minority devote their working lives to larger and larger organizations. The task of preventing group evil —— including war itself —— is clearly the task of eradicating or, at least, significantly diminishing laziness and narcissism.

3.17.8 The danger and the hope

The danger of moral judgement

Often enough to committing evil. Even atheists and agnostics believe in Christ’s words: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” ……If we examine the matter more closely, however, we will see that it is both impossible and itself evil to totally refrain from making moral judgements.

The fact of the matter is that we cannot lead decent lives without making judgements in general and moral judgments in particular……The sentence “Judge not, that ye be not judged” is usually quoted out of context. Christ didn’t enjoin us to refrain from ever judging. What he went on to say in the next four verse is that we should judge ourselves before we judge others —— not that we should judge at all. “Thou hypocrite,” he said, “first cast out the beam our of thine own eyes; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

Hui: ”bean” v.s. “mote”

We must also remember ** the purpose for which we judge. If it is to heal, fine. If it is to enhance our own self-esteem, our pride then the purpose is wrong.**

While we may never ultimately discern the meaning of human existence, it still remains our responsibility to live as best we can. Which also means to go on making the moral judgements necessary to support life. And we are permitted to choose whether to live in a state of greater or lesser ignorance.

The issue is not whether to judge: we must. The question is how and when to judge wisely. Since in the end we must make moral judgements, it makes sense to further refine our wisdom when appropriate—— as long as we remember the basics.

This is a major pitfall. It is a pitfall because we ascribe to science much more authority than it deserves. We do so for two reasons. One is that every few of us understand the limitations of science. The other is that we are too dependent upon authority in general.

What is paraded as scientific fact is simply that current belief of some scientists. What scientific knowledge is, in fact, is the best available approximation of truth in the judgement of majority of scientists who work in the particular specialty involved. Truth is not something that we possess; it is a goal toward which we strive.

To be more against the devil than for God is exceedingly dangerous.

If one ever has the good fortune to met a living saint, one will have then met someone absolutely unique. Though their visions may be remarkably similar, the personhood of saints is remarkably different. This is because they have become utterly themselves. God creates each soul differently, so that when all the mud is finally cleared away, His light will shine through it in a beautiful, colorful, totally new pattern.

The path of love is a dynamic balance of opposites, a painful creative tension of uncertainties, a difficult tightrope between extreme but easier courses of action. We must somehow be both tolerant and intolerant, accepting and demanding, strict and flexible. An almost godlike compassion is required.

I know that the first task of love is self-purification. When one has purified oneself, by the grace of God, to the point at which one can truly love one’s enemies, a beautiful think happens. It is as if the boundaries of the soul become so clean as to be transparent, and a unique light then shines forth from the individual.

The individual healer must allow his or her own soul to become the battleground. He or she must seraphically absorb the evil.

3.18 自卑与超越(What Life Could Mean to You——Alfred Adler)

Hui: Alfred Adler是个体心理学的创始人。他强调自卑感,以及自卑情结在人格发展中的重要作用。Alfred Adler将人类视为一个个体,因此他将自己的学派称为“个体心理学”。Adler首次强调社会因素在人格形成调整中扮演重要角色。


3.18.1 生活的意义

  • 我们通过赋予生活意义来理解所谓的现实。但意义并不等于生活本身,它是我们从生活中解读出来的东西。充满意义的地方往往也遍布着错误。……我们在日常生活中的一言一行无不反映着我们赋予生活的意义。如果仔细观察一个人的言行举止,我们就会发现这个人对于“生活的意义”有着自己独特的理解,而他所有的立场、态度、行为、表达、举止、志向、习惯、个性等都是与这个“意义”一致的。

  • 现实中的三大制约引发出了我们人生中的三大问题:如何在资源有限的地球上谋求生存和发展;如何在茫茫人海中找到自己的定位,继而与人分工合作、共同发展;如何理解并适应“人有两性之分”以及“人类的繁衍依赖于个体的爱情和婚姻”这一生存要求。

  • 生活的意义在于奉献。

  • 生活经历并不能决定人生的成败。…我们对生活的理解决定了我们是谁。

3.19 不正常人类研究所

  • 边缘型(borderline personality disorder)


  • 自恋型:普遍存在夸大倾向,渴望赞扬,缺乏对他人的同情。不仅如此,他们还具有强烈的自我防卫意识,会将自己的行为正当化,因此他们很难真正反省自己的所作所为。边缘型人格障碍与自恋型人格障碍其实是“自爱障碍”的正反两面。边缘型人格障碍患者在自我否定感的泥沼中苦苦挣扎,而自恋型人格障碍的患者则洋溢着自信。

  • 表演型:过度表达感情和寻求注意的行为。

  • 反社会型:对他人利益的忽视以及侵犯。

  • 分裂型:一种普遍存在的社会以及人际关系的缺陷,对保持亲近关系的感觉不适以及这种能力的减退,同时又认知或感知的扭曲,伴有怪异的行为。
  • 类分裂型:与社交关系普遍脱离,在人际交流中的情感表达有限。类分裂型人格障碍的特征是“无意与人接触”。对这类人而言,孤独才是最舒适的生活环境。回避型、自恋型人格障碍患者也喜欢缩进自己的世界,但他们是想要与他人接触的,只是因为害怕受伤才闭门不出。而类分裂型人格障碍患者是压根不喜欢和人接触。喜爱孤独的环境是他们的天性使然。

  • 回避型:极度畏惧失败与受伤。毫无自信。其本质在于因恐惧失败而逃避尝试。普遍存在的社会性的抑制,觉得自己缺乏能力,对负面评价过度敏感。
  • 依赖型:病人放弃了自主性,将一切决定权交给他人。患者特别不擅长“自己拿主意”。再小的决定,都要让父母、伴侣或朋友代劳。这类人也不喜欢独处,必须有人陪着,否则就焦虑不安,内心空虚,坐卧不定。依赖型人格障碍患者的自力更生,是一种与焦虑、负罪和丧失感如影随形的行为。
  • 强迫型:普遍存在对秩序的过度关注、完美主义以及对思想和人际关系的控制,不惜以灵活性、变通性及效率为代价。有着强大的“超我”。[强迫型人格的人需要时刻提醒自己不要用对自己的要求去要求别人。]


3.20 Psychobabble [Stephen Briers]

3.20.2 Myth 1: The root of all your problems is low self-esteem

3.20.3 Myth 2: Let your feelings out!

3.20.4 Myth 3: Emotional intelligence is what really counts

3.20.5 Myth 4: Let your goals power you towards success!

3.20.6 Myth 5: No one can make you feel anything

  • The degree to which we are affected and influenced by other people is actually quite terrifying.
  • There is evidence that just the very process of thinking things through can turn down the intensity of our emotional responses……prefrontal cortex(前额皮质) helps us regulate our emotional reactions. Keeping a cool head, thinking things through, trying to be objective – all of these things can genuinely help us to some degree.
  • We have the tendency to conform instinctively to the roles that others create for us (Stanley Milgram的著名电击实验)
  • People are reluctant to recognise how much of their everyday experience ‘is determined not by their conscious intentions and deliberate choices, but by mental processed put into motion by their environment’. [John Bargh, Psychologist from Yale]……we may think we’re calling the shots, but most of the time we are not even aware of the extent to which we are being unconsciously cued into particular roles by the actions and behaviour of those around us. How we experience the world, and even how we experience ourselves, is largely determined by others.
  • Various studies have confirmed that people tend to copy each other’s body language, facial expressions, speech patterns and vocal tones. The reason this automatic mimicry is crucial in understanding social influence is because psychologists believe it may be one of the mechanisms that underlie emotional contagion.
  • It seems likely that by unconsciously copying the behaviour and micro-expressions of people around us we consequently end up replicating their emotions. In fact, research has established that even feelings like loneliness can be catching.
  • It is not only through the subconscious power of imitation that we are exposed to the emotions of those around us. It turns out that we are neurologically configured to connect up with what others around us are experiencing. In recnet years scientist have discovered specialised mirror neurones in the brain that effectively put us into the other person’s shoes.
  • We should recognise just how vulnerable and open we are to the invisible and unconscious influence of those around us.
  • Our spontaneous internal reactions to the people around us and the things that happen to us are an important part of being fully alive.

3.20.7 Myth 6: Think positive ans be a winner!

  • Independent studies have shown that while for non-depressed people positive affirmations do appear to dampen down levels of responsiveness in the amygdala (effectively the ‘fear center’ of the brain), for depressed people the opposite effect is produced: the amygdala becomes more rather than less active while the affirmations are being rehearsed.
  • Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, cooperation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative mood trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world [Joseph Forgas, professor of social psychology]

Hui: There is a reason for everything’s existence. We need both sides and the key is to keep balance as in a million other situations.

  • Depressed people are also better at sequential decision-making. they accept options less readily which led to longer search and better choices. Depression, by fostering greater persistence many improve performance in certain task.

Hui: I doubt it. 1) how to define better choice? 2) does longer search lead to better choice or increase the likelihood of making better choice? I think the ability of making choice is developed overtime. 3) persistence is personality which is relative stable across time and situation. I can’t imagine depressed people are more persistent or being depressed will make you hold on longer. How they collected the data and do analysis? How they choose samples? Are those samples representative?

3.20.8 Myth 7: We need to talk……

3.20.9 Myth 8: Whatever your problem, CBT is the answer

3.20.10 Myth 9: You can never be too assertive

3.20.11 Myth 10: Men and women live on different planets

3.20.12 Myth 11: Your inner child needs a hug

3.20.13 Myth 12: You can learn to do anything you want

3.20.14 Myth 13: You’d better get yourself sorted

3.20.15 Myth 14: You are stronger than you know

3.20.16 Myth 15: You are a master of the universe!

3.20.17 Myth 16: There is no failure, only feedback

3.20.18 Myth 17: It’s all your parents’ fault

3.20.19 Myth 18: You can heal your body

3.20.20 Myth 19: You are in control of your life

3.20.21 Myth 20: Married bliss: a matter of give and take

3.20.22 Myth 21: Discover the real you!

3.20.23 Myth 22: Make every second count

3.20.24 Myth 23: We must all strive to be happy

3.21 Quirkology [怪诞心理学,Richard Wiseman]


3.21.1 Ch1 时间心理学

3.22 The Art of War [孙子兵法, Sun Tzu]

3.23 幸福之路 [罗素]

3.24 Bushido [武士道, Jnazo Nitobe]

3.25 博伽梵歌 [印度经典]

3.26 南怀瑾谈心兵难防 [南怀瑾]

  • 所谓“喜怒哀乐之未发谓之中”,是指“情绪”没有发动的境界。
  • “当断不断,反受其乱。”任何一个人,随时在心中脑里,有理性和情绪上的斗争,随时自己和自己在争论,打官司。除了能“自净其意”以外,“自讼”是随生命并存,永无停止的。所以道家的庄子,也形容这种“心、意、识”自讼的状态,叫做“新兵”,就是说平常的人们意识心中,随时都在内战。如果心兵不动,自心的天下就太平了。人们假如能够学养到自净其意,不生妄念,心兵永兮,更不自讼了,那才真是“知本”。
  • 道家的老祖宗老子便说:“吾所以有大患者,为吾有身;及吾无身,吾有何患。”…“百年三万六千日,不在愁中即病中。”
  • 你真能做到使意识,意念返还到明诚,明净的境界,那才叫做真正的“自谦”,这完全是靠自己的反观省察,才能得到的境界。谦,并不是消极的退缩,它是崇高的平实。谦,在《易经》是一个卦名,叫做“地山谦”。
  • 八八六十四卦,没有一卦是大吉大利,都是半凶半吉,或者全凶,或是小吉,只有谦卦才是平平吉吉。古人有一副对联:“海到无边天作岸,山登绝顶我为峰。”
  • 所谓“真正的静”,要有高度的修养,如前所述,一面批改公文,一面听取报告,处理急务,日理万机的情形下而心境始终是宁静的。
  • 它还没有来,何必去怕?它来了,怕也没用,又何必去怕?现在还乐得享受,清静一点。
  • “人心惟危”,人的思想是非常危险的。
  • 佛学对于本性,比方成大海。我们现在的思想——包括了感觉,知觉,是海面上的浪头。一个浪头一个浪头过去了,不会永恒存在的。佛学在这一方面就告诉人们,这是“空”的。宇宙间一切现象,包括了人类心理上生命的现象,一切都会过去的,没有一个停留着。这在佛学上有个名词叫“无常”。…就好比一个浪头过去,又一个浪头过去一样。虽然这个浪头是无常的,断续的,但是,有一点要注意,能起这个浪头的,是整个的海水。等到风平浪静,海水还是海水,没有变。这一切变化中间,又一个不变的。
  • 《易经》告诉我们,变是对立的变,任何一件事,都是相对立的,有正面必有反面,有好必有坏,你说对的,同时也就产生了不对的。一切都是相对的,在这个相对的中间,有一个中和的道理。
  • 所以我们判断一个人的好坏,不要随便被外在的态度左右,尽量要客观。外形礼貌固然重要,如果内在没有礼的精神,碰到人一味地礼貌则很辛苦,很不安详。
  • 老子说“上善若水”。一个人如要效法自然之道的无私善行,便要做到如水一样至柔之中的至刚、至净、能容、能大的胸襟和器度。
  • 明代的陈眉公说:“如何是独乐乐?曰:无事此静坐,一日是两日。如何是与人乐乐?曰:与君一席话,胜读十年书。如何是众乐乐?曰:此中空洞原无物,何止客卿数百人。”
  • 小富由勤,大富由命。
  • 子曰:关雎,乐而不谣,哀而不伤。
  • 性的本质并不是罪恶,饮食男女,人之大欲有焉。
  • 贤贤易色: 我们看原文“贤贤易色”,两个贤字,第一个贤字作动词用,因为中国文字有时候是假借的。第二个贤字是名词,指贤人–学问修养好的人。易,改变。在春秋的时候,易的改变暗含着持续的,不间断的改变。色:态度,对人对事对社会的态度。贤贤易色换个说法就是:见贤思齐。 - 司马迁所谓“君子疾没世而名不称焉”。“天下熙熙,皆为利来,天下攘攘,皆为利往。”“名利本为浮世重,古今能有几人抛”。
  • 老子:“揣而棁[zhuō]之,不可长保。金玉满堂,莫之能守。富贵而骄,自遗其咎。”“矢上加尖”。


  • 学了《易经》做人做事,不要过头,过头就是亢;大家都是平等的,只直到进不知道退,只知道存不知道亡,只知道得不知道失,就是亢;人很容易犯这个毛病,知道进退存亡得失得关键,就是圣人。

3.27 南怀瑾选集(第二卷) [南怀瑾]

3.28 老子他说 [南怀瑾]

3.29 南怀瑾选集第三卷易经杂说易经系传别讲 [南怀瑾]

3.30 庄子諵譁.上 [南怀瑾]

3.31 欲望之源

3.32 论雄辩 [François Fénelon]

3.33 亡灵对话录 [François Fénelon]

3.34 天使的传言

3.35 百喻经(一部古老的佛教寓言经典)

3.36 图解心理学

3.37 Book Of Changes I [我读《易经》(上)]

3.38 Confucius Said [Tom Te-wu Ma]

3.39 漫画中国思想(蔡志忠漫画经典精选)

3.40 北大哲学门经典文萃——冯友兰选集 [冯友兰]

3.41 谢尔顿作品集——众神的风车 [谢尔顿]

3.42 了凡四训 [袁了凡]

3.43 Reality is broken(游戏改变生活)

Visionary game designer Jane McGonigal reveals how we can harness the power of games to solve real-world problems and boost global happiness. Why is it easy to plan games for hours but not study or work? Because videogames fulfill human needs by providing exhilarating rewards, stimulating challenges, and epic victories.

Data: Americans gamers: 174 million + Average young person in US: 10,000 hours gaming by 21

In Reality Is Broken , she reveals how these new alternate reality games are already improving the quality of our daily lives, fighting social problems such as depression and obesity, and addressing vital twenty-first-century challenges-and she forecasts the thrilling possibilities that lie ahead. She introduces us to games like World Without Oil, a simulation designed to brainstorm-and therefore avert- the challenges of a worldwide oil shortage, and Evoke, a game commissioned by the World Bank Institute that sends players on missions to address issues from poverty to climate change.

McGonigal persuasively argues that those who continue to dismiss games will be at a major disadvantage in the coming years. Gamers, on the other hand, will be able to leverage the collaborative and motivational power of games in their own lives, communities, and businesses. Written for gamers and nongamers alike, Reality Is Broken shows us that the future will belong to those who can understand, , and play games.




















































































3.44 游戏改变世界

关于本书 本书首次探索了游戏化的力量,揭示了互联时代的未来趋势,颠覆了普通人对游戏的认知。 核心内容 这本书分三个部分,第一部分主要讲游戏的特征,第二部分是游戏化的目标,第三部分讲怎样来实现游戏化生活。 点击查看大图,保存到手机,也可以分享到朋友圈 一、游戏的特征 第一个特征:目标 就是玩家努力达成的具体结果。这个目标吸引了玩家去参与,比如说愤怒的小鸟,我们的目标就是攻击绿皮猪。玩植物大战僵尸时我们的目标就是防止僵尸进到屋子里。 第二个特征:规则 就是为玩家如何实现目标作出限制。每个游戏都有规则的,如果想赢,就得遵守规则,但同时这个规则还不能太简单。因为如果根本不需要动脑子,大家可能就不愿意继续玩下去。游戏是需要动用我们的策略思维达到目标的。 第三个特征:反馈系统 就是当你每完成一个小部分,游戏就会告诉你离最终的目标还有多远,我们随时能看到最新的进度。 第四个特征:自愿参与 没有人会逼着我们玩游戏,你想退出,随时都可以。游戏的目标、规则和反馈系统,都建立在玩家是自愿玩游戏的基础上,这样才能够保证玩家的高度投入和退出自由。 二、游戏化能实现的四个目标 1.更满意的工作 满意的工作是从两件事开始的:一是明确的目标,二是实现这一目标的可操作性步骤。在工作里可以设置关卡,从简单到复杂。就像通关一样,每完成一个任务,就给出一定的奖励。 2.更有把握的成功 可以在工作环节借鉴游戏化设计机制,增强有效回馈,让我们在发现问题之后立马修正。在工作里如果我们可以及时发现错误,就可以避免重大错误出现的几率,也会提高整个工作的质量。 3.更强大的社会联系 游戏能够创造两种独特的亲密情感,分别是快乐尴尬和间接骄傲。 快乐尴尬就是通过相互调侃、打趣等手段,强化彼此之间正面的感受,说白了,就是大家善意地互损。 间接骄傲就是通过指导、帮助他人让他人获得成功,让自己增强幸福感和成就感。 4.更宏大的意义 把自己的一些日常行为和一件超出自身的事情联系起来,事情越大,效果越好。比如说在工作中我们可以给自己设置宏伟的目标,让我们觉得自己正在做伟大的事情,让这个愿景推动我们前进。 三、实现游戏化生活的方法:“平行实境游戏” 1.游戏化的激励机制 在我们的日常生活里增加游戏的反馈系统,来激发我们的参与感。比如说作者设计了一个游戏叫做《家务战争》。你可以和朋友给不同的家务设计出各种酷炫的名字,然后分别对应不同的经验值、金币和宝物。这样,我们的家务活动就变成了升级打怪。 2.游戏化的团队机制 游戏比一般的社交软件、网站,更能鼓励人们与陌生人交流。因为大家都是游戏玩家,有很多可以交流的话题。生活中我们可以把公司、班级看做社群平台,大家有着共同的目标,把这些目标完成,就能获得报酬,就相当于游戏中的反馈。 3.游戏化的持续性 游戏能够提升我们的幸福感。因为反馈能让我们认清自己,完成目标会有自豪感、成就感,无论过程还是结果都是幸福的。 金句: 1.有趣的失败是延长游戏体验、扩展学习过程的一个好办法。与此同时,当我们能够享受自己的失败,就会有更多的时间停留在一种“无比乐观”的状态,也就是在成功化为真实之前的希望时刻,我们可以体会到竭尽所能的灵感。 2.我们怎样才能在生活中获得更多意义?其实很简单。哲学家、心理学家和精神领袖都赞同:为生活增加意义的最佳途径,就是把自己的日常行动与一件超出自身的事情联系起来,事情越大,效果越好。 3.与游戏相比,现实混乱而分裂。游戏帮我们做出更加协调一致的努力,随着时间的推移,它们还将赋予我们合作的超能力。

3.45 欲望心理学

Hui: 作者休.麦凯。这本书是一篇篇文章的集结,试图解读驱使人行为背后的欲望。书中探讨了10种欲望,它们在本质上并无好坏之分,而只是人性中的一部分。作者在前言中说:“我们所有人都会受到一连串诸如欲望、激情、期许和需求的驱使,它们对谁而言都是很难权衡的,更不用说控制它们了。我们需要太多不同的东西,甚至有时想同时占有它们,这也就是我们经常会感到纠结的原因。” 欲望激励我们前进,但当欲望得不到满足时,很可能会产生恶意的想法。理解学习人性的欲望,有助于我们更好的控制它们,选择生活而不是被生活选择。

3.45.1 涂鸦、发表言论、恶霸行为的目的——渴望重视的心理

  • 我们都希望别人可以听到自己的呼声,希望别人认定自己的呼声是真实的、合法的以及值得关注的。我们不能容忍别人忽视、轻视或摒弃自己。…当我们知道自己被别人重视时,可以轻松地获得自信。当我们害怕自己不受重视的时候,通常的反应是悲伤或失望,随后是嫉妒那些得到我们一直想要的东西的人,最终便是愤恨的暴怒。

  • 人们往往不愿意被与其他人同样对待,总是希望自己是“与众不同”的,是“典型”的,但在人们之间又存在着一些显著的相似之处。

  • 如果你曾因某个人向你发怒而感到震惊,那么往往是因为在这之前,在他们需要得到你的同情和关注的时候,你没有重视他们。如果你在某人急切地需要得到关注的时候,你没有重视他们。如果你在某人急切地需要得到关注的时候忽视他们,或对他们认为值得更多关注的话语不以为然,他们就会种下愤恨的种子,而这个种子在几周或几年后便会生根发芽。

  • Narcissus: 虚荣和傲慢一样,是我们对认同这种需要的一种歪曲。狂妄自恃也是如此。过度的自大或野心膨胀正是对得到认同和尊敬的渴望超出控制的标志。

  • 父母通常希望子女重视自己。

  • 当我们的态度,价值或信仰遭受攻击时,我们本能的反应是去维护。你越直接攻击对方的信仰,你越可能加深他们对自己的信仰。如果被忽视,则群体很可能会侵蚀和凋谢。冷落才是真正的敌人。

  • 夫妻吵架但不离婚:如果同我争吵,那么至少她没有忽视我。

  • 奖赏改变了许多关系的性质。提供奖赏确实为受奖人提供更多动力,但同时也将其他人的注意力转移到奖赏和对施与人的取悦上。

  • 七年之痒:不仅仅是性的方面。当建立和培养两性关系时,会有很多的欲望超越我们基本的和原始的性欲望。性关乎很多方面,它并不总是说明我们将彼此看得有多重,或者我们的关系有多么亲密,它有时纯粹是关于某些刺激的感觉(如幻想、放纵和心理安慰,和自慰一样)。妻子不理解丈夫对体育等的热情,反而期待他和自己一样对瑜伽,文学,哲学感兴趣,丈夫感受又如何呢?尽管是无意的,但缺少对另一方热情的尊重注定会被理解为缺少对这个人的尊重。我们不必和对方有同样的兴趣,我们只需承认和尊重这些热情,并将其看作是对方整体的一部分即可。

  • 对于名人的崇拜真实地表达了我们对认同的渴望。许多名人并没有因他们是谁而得到认同,当出现一个虚假的“我”得到认同时,在真我和那个虚构的我之间一定会出现互相排挤的现象,所以许多明星忍受着各种精神和感情错乱的折磨。…大多数人都接受了这样一个事实,即我们不可能永远成为关注的中心,即使我们成了关注的中心也不会有良好的发展。

  • 对宠物(如狗)并对人好的原因:对关注、对尊重和对认同的欲望。我们希望成为别人重视的明星,即使时小狗的重视也一样。

Hui: 还有炫富也出于渴望受重视的心理,我们应该清楚渴望重视和值得重视是两回事,我们本应该将精力放在使自己值得重视上。

  • 倾听是一门艺术,它对于我们大多数人说并不是那么自然或从容的,它不仅仅是简单地倾听,而是需要尽力进入说话者的想法,尽力想象这样对他或她会是怎么样的,在想象中,要有换位思考的艺术。…如果我们没准备好倾听另一个人说话,那么会出现两个结果:1. 我们没有合理地回应他们所说的话,因为我们不能恰如其分地抓住要点。2. 我们不必说一个字就可以说明我们没有重视对方,没有将其看作是一个独立的个体,会让对方感到尴尬或愤怒。…如果我们首先通过接触来表达对于对方的尊重,那么对方也会愿意接触我们。

3.45.2 自我空间心理

  • “自我空间”感对于我们大多数人来说最重要的意义:它不仅可以帮助我们找到自己,还可以构建我们、界定我们、帮助我们形成自我身份感——我属于这里,这是我的空间,我在这里感到自在。如果有一段事件,我们不能在这里,那么当我回来时,这种依然属于我的空间感就会像是一盏明灯在记忆中点燃。

Hui: 我们习惯于坐在同一个位子上也是源于相同的心理。作者还提出,因为同样的原因,那些和我们早期态度价值观形成相联的地点让我们念念不忘。我不是太赞同。怀旧更多来源于记忆的选择性,当我们回忆过去,只会记得那些让我们印象深刻的事情,而地点是这些过去的故事中不可缺的元素,比起现在的生活来说,过去总是更加浓烈,有味,而不似当下的无趣。此外作者还将网络上更容易出现欺诈等极端行为也归于这种自我空间的欲望,我觉得实在不合适。这和空间需求没有关系,而是因为对另一方的陌生削弱了采取这种行为的负罪感。对家的眷恋也不一是空间需求,而是对心理情感支持的需求。作者在这一章讲的我大部分都不认同,除了买房是源于对空间的需要以外。

3.45.3 信仰心理

3.46 Social Physics [智慧社会, Pentland, Alex]

3.47 Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone [Klinenberg, Eric]

3.48 直面内心的恐惧

Hui: 作者弗里兹.李曼通过他行医多年的经历,归纳出四种恐惧的原型:害怕把自己交出去(分裂),害怕做自己(忧郁),害怕改变(强迫),害怕既定规律(歇斯底里)。大部分人都是四种原型的混合,极度偏向任何一种都是病态的。因此我们可能经历过每种基本的恐惧,但是没有哪一个在我们身上独霸一方,因此我们能够克服这些恐惧,每战胜一次恐惧,我们就淬炼的更加坚韧。了解自己心中不安和恐惧的来源,或许能够帮助我们更好的克服它们取得心智的成长。

3.48.1 序言


  • 自转:我们要做独一无二的个体,肯定自我的存在,与其他人有所区别,个性如假包换无人能取而代之。
  • 公转:我们对这个世界、生活与周遭的人敞开心扉,与人交往包括很另类的人。
  • 向心力:我们对永恒的向往
  • 离心力:我们随时准备改变自己,肯定所有的变革与新发展;抛掉熟悉的东西,把传统和习俗扔到脑后;才到手的东西立刻与之告别,一切都是过渡与过站。


  1. 害怕失去自我,避免与人来往
  2. 害怕分离与寂寞,百般依赖他人
  3. 害怕改变与消逝,死守着熟悉的事务
  4. 害怕既定的事实与前后一致的态度,专断自为

3.48.2 害怕把自己交出去——分裂人格(split personality)

  1. 分裂人格诊断 人格分裂的人费尽心思独立生活,尽可能自给自足。他不依赖任何人,不需要任何人,尤其重要的是,不需要为任何人负者。他们若即若离、矜持、遥不可及,甚至冷漠、好猜疑,很难和他们交往。害怕别人亲近,这是他典型的恐惧。…皮肤是把我们和外在环境隔开,也使我们有所触动的器官:分裂人格者的皮肤麻烦尤其多,血液不够流通,容易罹患干癣症和多汗症等等。

  2. 分裂人格的感情世界 精神分裂的人最难培养爱人的能力。他的自由和独立若受到胁迫,对什么都异常敏感;他的感情表达十分稀薄,如果伴侣对他的爱不那么强烈,同时又给他一个家以及安全感,他会感激涕零。愿意了解他的人可以赢得他的好感,只不过他不善于表露也不一定会承认。

  3. 分裂人格的侵略性:不加修饰的愤怒
    • 所有生命体不加修饰的表达恐惧和愤怒的模式:
      1. 向内逃避、退缩、死寂
      2. 向外逃避、发脾气、攻击别人
    • 目的之一是为了宣泄。分裂人格者没有安全感,孤立无援,因此心生猜忌,把别人的亲近当作威胁,一开始他觉得害怕,然后用攻击作为响应。
    • 目的之二是为了争取,用愤怒来抵拒保护,借着展开攻击,因此与人有了接触,这似乎是唯一的桥梁。
  4. 分裂人格的成因

  • 所有的创伤殊途同归,都会让婴儿从一开始就抗拒这个世界,保护自己,或者对这个世界感到失望。
    • 不被照顾
    • 不被关爱:不被关爱或者父母不希望有却自动来报道的婴儿,长期住院,经历过母亲离去创伤,母亲太年轻未成熟,特别容易形成分裂人格。
    • 过多刺激:婴儿时期缺乏关怀与爱是形成分裂人格的一个主因,同样的,过多刺激,譬如母亲不让婴儿安静,不知道孩子究竟要什么,是另外一个主因。孩子的器官尚未发育完整,就苛求他达到某些目标也会形成分裂人格。
    • 特定环境:婴儿时期缺少安全感加上不利的环境因素(如战争)很容易造成分裂人格

Hui: 如何证明这些成因?

  1. 分裂人格的行为模式
    • 淹没:他把恐惧转换成外在世界的一个物体,可以稍加回避、抗拒或者消灭,但藏在内心的恐惧却让他举手投降。
    • 自闭:分裂人格者常用大灾难,譬如世界末日之类的想象与梦境,来表白他心中的恐慌。越是想守住自己的阵营,与世界就脱节得越厉害,到最后他会认为自己雨踽踽独行于世间。
    • 敏感脆弱
  2. 分裂人格得多种面貌
    • 当一位分裂人格者能够忍受所有的痛苦与恐惧,并且克服一切时,他一定可以达到人格的最高境界。
    • 轻微社交困难——非常敏感——独来独往——特立独行——孤僻——怪异——反社会——犯案——精神失常
    • 分裂人格者喜欢从事少与人接触的职业,理论、抽象的职业最得他们青睐,最常见得是自然科学、航天员、物理学家、数学家和工程师。
    • 杰出的分裂人格者可以是独领风骚、先驱型的人物,他们不断质疑人之所以存在的种种问题。
    • 分裂人格者的个性架构完整而且强大,他们并不觉得痛苦,反而认为自己正常健康。

3.48.3 害怕做自己——忧郁人格

  • 害怕自转,倾向于公转,他们竭尽所能消除与他人的距离,尽可能地要靠近别人,留在他人身边。他们被动、谦卑、依赖、有同情心,无私忘我,不敢有所希求,害怕被孤立。不敢做自己是他们最大的恐惧。
  1. 忧郁人格诊断
    • 依赖感:假设有人强烈地需要另一个人,他就会竭尽所能消除那个人与他之间的距离。分裂人格者一心一意的保持距离,以便自我保护。而忧郁人格者相反,尽可能地要靠近别人,并且留在他人身边。
    • 制造亲密:害怕有所损失,主导者忧郁人格的个性,他害怕被孤立、分离、被抛弃、不被保护和寂寞。当忧郁的人意识到必须与别人分开时,他不是放弃做独立的个人,就是否认伴侣时一个独立的个人。
    • 利他主义
    • 自怨自艾
  2. 忧郁人格的感情世界
    • 追求比亲密还要亲密的关系,爱得越深,越担心失去,难以忍受和爱人之间的距离,但他们迷恋的是和某个人之间亲密的感觉胜过这个人。因此在丧偶之后还可以立刻再婚,他们只是不想孤单度日。
    • 抑郁的两性关系中比较麻烦的是忧郁的爱情,这种爱情被多度的关心与照顾包装着,藏在背后的却是从害怕被遗弃衍生出来的权力欲。
  3. 忧郁人格的侵略性
    • 依赖的一方是无法向支撑他活下去的人发怒的。当忧郁人格者发怒时,唯一可行的方法时吞下怒火。他分不清恼怒来自于自己还是外界。
    • 他们忍受一切,占据道德的高地,自以为情操高贵,给予对方温柔的迫害,足以让对方难以喘息。这样沉重爱情的背面,是隐藏在潜意识中的侵略性。
    • 惩罚自己:吞下去的怒气会逐渐攀升,过度焦虑,把谦虚理想化,不自觉的惩罚自己,借着伤害自己报复一切。
    • 要学会发脾气:只有当小孩被允许表达他的情绪和愤怒时,他才有机会学习与自己的感觉相处。会发脾气是一种能力,也很健康。
  4. 忧郁人格的成因
    • 极度宠爱:用负罪感绑架小孩,希望小孩感恩。
    • 冷酷拒绝:导致小孩不会表达自己的需求,认为这个世界没有什么好期待。让孩子形成强烈的自卑感,觉得自己不可爱,存在是一种错误。
    • 小孩会接收母亲的形象,与母亲的关系影响了他对自己的观点。内化了的敌对、拒绝或苛求的母亲形象通常不是自杀的主因,绝望才是主要原因。因为绝望而排拒自己、恨自己,继而毁掉自己。
    • 融化在灵魂深处、永远不敢表达的恨与妒,对他们的人生观下了毒,长长久久,必须借着自怨自艾或者惩罚自己来赎罪。

3.48.4 害怕改变——强迫人格(obsessive-compulsive personality disorder)


  1. 强迫症人格诊断
    • 希望一切保持原状,周而复始寻找一模一样的东西。
    • 强烈需要安全感,这是他们的根本问题。小心、谨慎、长远的目标都于此有关。每一种习惯,教条以及狂热主义,背后都潜藏着害怕变革,害怕消逝,最后怕的是死亡。
    • 犹疑不决
    • 用理智和冷静保护自己。洗涤,冥思,数数和一再回忆某个片段,都属于强迫行为,若能试图摆脱或者戒掉这些行为,心中的恐惧也就随之释放。
    • 自我压抑和克制:虽然强迫症有多种,追根究底不外乎不敢自动自发地做一件事,总是因为某些事物太新颖,没看过,没保障,被禁止,害怕那些是一种诱惑,偏离日常习惯,最终形成了强迫人格。
    • 对自己的身体充满敌意
  2. 强迫人格的情感世界
    • 两性关系中的权利欲:他们觉得感情不可靠,过于主观、摇摆不定且容易消逝,所以他们努力尝试把感情置于“手掌心”。
    • 形式重于感情
    • 伴随性产生的羞耻和罪恶感,可以让亲密关系变形,折磨人、不愉快、不带任何幻想的,只能依照特定的模式,在制订好的条件之下才能进行。强迫人格者追求成就的欲望常常表现在性上,性关系意味着他的能力、生殖能力,伴侣就变成了他证明自己能力的一个物品。
  3. 强迫人格的侵略性
    • 强行克制怒火
    • 合理化愤怒,不仅 允许自己畅所欲言,还赋予其价值。比较温和的“合理化”的愤怒是吹毛求疵,这是压抑怒火的同时,最常见的表达怒火的方式——只是强迫人格者并未意识到他必须调节自己的不满。这正式强迫人格的可怕之处,他们赋予自己行为某些价值,难以识破的是,他这么做只是为了自己。(吃人的礼教)
    • 权利欲。强迫人格者的愤怒是为权力服务,而权力又为愤怒服务,因此我们看到职场上的强迫人格者一方面出让权力,同时又假借规范、风纪、法律、权威等名义,提供自己合法发泄愤怒的管道。
    • 不受操控的身体,要用文字来形容强迫人格者的愤怒的话,唯有狡猾这个词,诡计多端有懦弱,愤怒的情绪被藏起来,在埋伏处出击。碰掉花瓶,撞倒灯,手脚不听使唤。
    • 死寂沉默与碎嘴子
    • 崩溃,在他们心里,表达愤怒的渴望不断与不可以表达愤怒的克制交战不已;渴望拥有强迫别人的权力,同时又没有做自己的勇气,这些冲突始终得不到解答。
  4. 强迫人格的成因
    • 每个孩子都必须在自己的意志与不得不顺从、贯彻到底与适应配合之间找到个人的解决方法。
    • 2-4岁阶段,他开始有向外发展的冲动,形成自我意志;他所学习到的课题塑造出他的行为模式,个性也由此养成。…这个孩子长大后是否具有健康的自我意识,意志力以及勇于做自己,能否挺身反抗权威、权力或乖顺配合,都是在这个阶段养成的,强迫人格亦然。
    • 苛刻的管教
    • 强迫性的怀疑,强迫人格者在幼年时期太早就有世界上许多事都得依照一定模式进行的经验,因此认为若要求完全正确,他应该变成一位追求完美的人,完美主义在他手上变成原则,把所有的事情都依照他的看法条件化。
  5. 强迫人格的行为模式
    • 完美主义:僵化的教育方式,父母及教养者至高无上的权威和原则,都有可能导致强迫人格,尤其是在小孩身上。…地质学家针对如何避免犯错,讲过一句很传神的话:在还原化石时,常因清除周边的石头用力过猛而伤到化石本身,于是他们建议“剩下最后一凿”。这正是强迫人格者的困难之处,完美主义驱使他们再三追求百分百的精准。
    • 强迫人格者喜欢从事与权力有关的工作,例如精确,踏实,细心,负责,掌控全局的业务,要求长久,追根究底和耐心的职业。他们对专业知识驾轻就熟,非常值得信赖。成就非凡或只是完成任务,端看他们强迫性格的程度,是否能自行决定或只愿意遵从既定的规章。

3.48.5 歇斯底里(hysteria)人格

歇斯底里人格者追求离心力,他们才不把那股聚拢且集中的万有引力放在眼里,只是翘首期待新鲜感,不断追求新鲜、惊险和刺激,随时臣服于外在的引诱和内心的呼喊。他们讨厌传统、束缚和既定的规律,害怕自由受到束缚,责任,义务和前后一致是他们最大的恐惧。追求改变与自由,好奇心强烈,追求刺激,喜欢冒险;热情洋溢,调情高手,花样百出,肯定所有新的事物;夸张,自吹自擂,装腔作势,爱慕虚荣,任性,口不择言,不想后果,及时行乐,不负责任,逃避束缚,自欺欺人,渴望被肯定,排拒最终的,既定的人事物,害怕自由受到束缚,冲动,无力抗拒诱惑,无原则,易怒,脆弱,不理性,不和逻辑…… 1. 歇斯底里人格诊断 - 摆脱约束 - 向诱惑屈服,尼采的形容很适合这样的人:“记忆告诉我这件事是我做的,但我的自尊心却说不是我干的,它不容反驳。最后记忆妥协了。” - 当不负责任的小孩。负者任让他感到不快。至于衰老,他可以想办法慢一点变老,心理年轻就好,用不找告诉每一个人他真实的年龄;只要看起来不老,就可以青春永驻。从衣饰着手,穿年轻一点儿的服装,使用化妆品,靠着美容整形支撑不老的传奇;千万不能忧虑或激动,告诉别人他受不了这些折损,躲不掉的时候宣称身体微恙,不必烦恼或生气。他以同样的态度看待伦理与道德。既然不喜欢这些大道理,何必死守呢?一次也不行,谁能够分辨是非善恶,立场观点都是比较而来的。他的世界可塑性极高,柔顺随和,犯错都是有理由的。更何况,谁知道他现在做什么,以前又做过什么事呢?他的想法海阔天空,只要他能按照自己的版本说服自己,谁又能提出相反的论调? - 活在当下。歇斯底里的人就想变色龙,可以适应每一种新的情况,只是从中发展出自我的持续性,一般称之为个性,十分稀少。他莫测高深,总是根据当下的需求扮演某一个角色,比较像千变万化的某一个人,到后来连自己都认不得自己。他的个性不真实,没有连续性,欠缺清晰的轮廓和陶铸出来的性情。 1. 歇斯底里人格的感情世界 - 调情高手 - 自恋。让人想到一则寓言,一只孔雀执意要和朴实无华的母鸡结婚,到了公证处,乌鸦诧异地问,美丽的它怎么会娶一只毫不出色的母鸡呢?孔雀正色答道:“我和我的妻子都爱死了我自己。” - 父母的坏榜样。歇斯底里的人格成形于童年结束前的阶段,大约4到6岁,寻找典范,是为日后对待自己于异性态度的养成时期。 - 分裂人格的人一眼就看穿歇斯底里的人,不打算肯定他,欣赏他。分裂人格喜欢和忧郁人格在一起,予取予求,日子久了通常忧郁人格要承担这种关系的不幸。 1. 歇斯底里人格的侵略性 - 与强迫人格不同,歇斯底里的人的侵略性灵活、随性,显得并不十分在意,常常不假思索就出手,因此实践不会太久,也不会过于耿耿于怀。口不择言,任性,矛头对准人,而非事情本身。 - 耍手段 1. 歇斯底里人格的成因 - 榜样缺失 - 父母角色错位 - 起源:压迫、轻视、箝制、强迫以及不了解自己的伴侣和社会,hysteria变成一种反弹行为,与性别无关;其他会造成hysteria的环境也非关性别。

有帮助的认知:接近真实的世界,熟悉游戏规则。需要勇气于过去一刀两断(<span style="color:blue">Hui: 哪种人格障碍不是呢? </span>)
  1. 歇斯底里人格的行为模式
    • 否认过错。战争、种族仇恨与宗教战争,往往是这一类失去控制、腥风血雨的投影心理所引爆的。谁不希望卸下心头的重担,洗涤罪孽呢?忧郁的人所有的不安与歉疚都往自己身上揽,歇斯底里的人走相反的路线,他忘记或者否认自己的过错。
    • 阴晴不定。歇斯底里的父母让他们的矮子带着方枘圆凿的态度踏上人生之路。强迫人格的父母不愿承认错误是为了保持权威,而歇斯底里的父母则是虚荣心与自恋作怪。赋予儿女重大责任,让自己有面子。喜欢做大而无当的承诺。领袖气质浑然天成,因为领导者只需发布命令,指点新路线,无须从事繁琐细碎的工作就能实现理想。
    • 天生的演员
    • 冒险家

3.49 It Wasn’t Your Fault (这不是你的错)

Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion


  1. 一个人的羞耻感,大多是在童年时期遭受虐待形成的




  1. 羞耻感的五条负面影响













  1. 自我理解







  1. 自我宽恕








  1. 自我接纳


  1. 自我关爱和自我鼓励


3.50 The Disease To Please (取悦症)


作者认为,取悦症主要可分为三种类型:认知型取悦症、习惯型取悦症、逃避型取悦症。这三种类型分别对应着不同的心理机制。不论哪种类型和心理机制,都会给我们的工作和生活带来高昂成本,也会影响人格独立和自我进步。 我们可以尝试从三个方面调整心态:一、多强调自我意愿和需求;二、懂得并学会拒绝;三、内化自己的成就感。



  1. 逻辑陷阱

这类人认为,“只要我对别人好,别人就应该对我好。如果别人对我不好,那就是我自己不对。”他们内心的矛盾始终指向自己,不指向外部,不管什么问题都先从自己身上找原因,陷入逻辑陷阱中。 他们对自己要求特别高,同时对别人也有很大期望,但从来不把自己的需求明确说出来,觉得这是麻烦别人,这就导致别人无法满足他们的高期望。 当期望落空,他们又会感到失落、难受、沮丧,甚至愤怒。他们对自己的高标准里还有一条:不允许自己表达愤怒。把所有的愤怒情绪都内化作用到自己身上,造成他们认为这都是自己的错。

  1. 别人的需求永远摆在第一位


  1. 为满足别人而牺牲自己





上述认知型和习惯型取悦症都有一个共同点:其动机是为了获得别人认可,从而主动迁就别人、迎合别人。还有一种取悦症的动机是为了逃避:逃避坏情绪、拒绝、暴力、冷落,逃避自己心中的内疚自责。 这些被逃避的对象,往往会给人带来心理上的恐惧。为了不直面恐惧,所以选择了逃避,期望通过逃避,给自己营造心理舒适区。在这种心理机制下,这类人会做一只“把头埋进沙子的鸵鸟”,不愿意直面矛盾,成为逃避型取悦症患者。


  1. 去掉头脑里的“应该”


  • 这些表述中加入了自我偏好的条件;
  • 表述中还加入了选择权;
  • 告诉自己并不是要满足所有人,只是满足重要的人,并且这不是义务。
  1. 学会拒绝

取悦症患者最大的困扰之一是不会拒绝别人。对此问题,可采用拖延方法。 比如对方在电话里向你借钱,而你的内心其实并不想答应——并且你很清楚,如果答应之后自己将后悔——这时你可以选择先拖着,说过段时间再答复。这样推脱几次对方就会明白你的态度,而你也不会被别人的要求所控制。

  1. 学会自我认可


3.51 Your Survival Instinct Is Killing You (你的生存本能正在杀死你)





  1. 产生焦虑 我们总是希望,生活能处于协调或平衡的状态,但是因为环境总在变化,人也在变,失调与失衡在所难免,更多的时候,我们还面临各种压力,就会产生焦虑。

  2. 产生不适感 焦虑像暗流一样影响我们的身体,让人产生不适感,起初程度比较轻,但是经过长期积累,就会导致不适程度超过每个人能容忍的界限,出现问题。

  3. 产生恐惧 大脑中有一个部分,叫做大脑核区,掌管人的生理。当我们的身体有不适感时,大脑核区会发出信号,信号进入大脑边缘系统,就催生了相应的恐惧感。 人们之所以有各种害怕,是担忧对周围的事物失去控制。失眠、疲劳等症状的出现,源于我们的安全感与掌控感的失去。为了消除恐惧感,产生安全感,我们的身体就会产生一些反应,这时候,生存本能就悄然登场了。

  4. 产生生存误判 随着文明的发展,现代社会已经给我们提供了足够的生存保障,但也形成了“舒适悖论”——尽管生活中令人舒适的条件触手可得,但我们对不适因素却变得过度敏感,生存本能的耐性在降低。 为此,人们总是渴望更加快速地满足自己的冲动。在这种心理作用下,哪怕外界因素只带来一点不适,我们都会迫不及待地想要进行缓解,以规避风险,保证安全。 但生存本能只记得原始世界的简单条件反射,无法辨别现代社会的复杂情况,所以它对各种不适感都一视同仁,统统看作是生存威胁,促使大脑边缘系统做出反馈,催生一系列更夸张、更强烈的反应。

  5. 出现严重的身心症状 生存本能在感觉受到威胁时,会在不同的人身上呈现不同的反应。有的人会不断感觉到饥饿,有的人总是会觉得皮肤发痒,有的人会觉得自己身体虚弱。这些长期症状,本来都是在病人无意识的状态下,由于焦虑引起的,最初可能就是一次小感冒,一次胃痛。但积累到一定程度,遇到一些外部因素,就像是火药遇到了火花,“砰”地爆炸。

  6. 陷入不良习惯的恶性循环。 由于我们的耐性在降低,所以总是在行为选择上犯错误,去求助于一些短效的不良习惯,刺激多巴胺分泌,以使自己有“快感”。有时这种习惯是某种强迫性行为,比如反复洗手、不停打嗝;有时候是成瘾行为,比如酗酒、吃药甚至吸毒。 这些习惯能暂时抑制恐惧感,但它们也同时会使多巴胺水平出现新的骤降,导致恶性循环出现,使我们对于某些事物的依赖程度越来越高,最终出现成瘾性伤害。


现代社会,我们的生存已经越来越依赖于外部刺激,一旦外部刺激减少,焦虑就会出现。 但我们的大脑生理决定了,焦虑的产生难以控制。我们只能尝试与焦虑情绪相协调。这要应用到双重感知能力,也就是获得双重的感官体验。 掌握双重感知能力,意味着我们可以一边感觉到焦虑或不适,一边能感觉放松。 同时感觉到舒适与不适,听起来有点矛盾。但这就是双重感知能力的目的所在。它会让我们了解到,既然我们能在不适感面前放松,那么也就意味着,在不适感面前,我们仍然是安全的,我们因此可以直面生活中的焦虑和不适感。


  1. 减少对即时满足感的需求 由于我们越来越习惯于获得即时满足感,而这会增加我们的焦虑,因此可以尝试延缓或减少这种满足感的获得。比如当你感觉到饥饿的时候,可以尝试多等一段时间再去吃东西,培养生存本能的耐性。或者我们还可以尝试摆脱对现代技术的依赖,限制感官受到的刺激。

  2. 学会接受不完美 完美并不是生活的常态,如果我们总是期待完美,就会在现实中获得挫败感,产生焦虑。因此我们要学会接受不完美,同时接受生活中的不确定性。这会拓展我们的心理舒适区,使困扰我们的外界因素越来越少。

  3. 建立有规律的生活 在自己熟悉的、可预测的情形中,我们会获得舒适感,而建立有规律的生活,有助于建立可预测的生活模式。


  1. 看一下自己周围的人,你会发现人们的恐惧程度远远超过了20年前的程度。这就是我所说的“舒适悖论”:尽管我们的生活中令人舒适的条件唾手可得,但我们却对不适因素变得过度敏感。

  2. 我们背负的压力越大,焦虑水平就越高,出现不适感的可能性也就越大。不适感越强烈,生存本能被唤醒的概率也就越大。随着生存本能被唤醒的频率越来越高,我们对不适因素的忍耐能力就会降低。

  3. 我们感觉到不适的时候就会产生恐惧感,这是人性的体现。但我们的恐惧往往会触发生存本能,这又会促使我们采取某种行动来获取安全感。这种行动可能是培养某种能够暂时带来安全感的日常习惯或行为模式,但实际上,这是人们不愿意直面恐惧感的表现。

  4. 所谓健康,并不是完全不存在痛苦,而是能够在痛苦和不适面前寻觅到舒适和安全。

  5. 如果我们不依赖自己的力量去营造内心的安全感,那么我们就会依赖于借助外力创造安全。要缓解恐惧感并实现内心安全,就要学会利用内心的力量,学会运用信心、毅力或应变能力等内在资源。

3.52 Tuesdays with Morrie (相约星期二 )


  • 书中围绕的关键词

(1) 迷失

作者遇到莫里教授就是忒休斯遇到阿里阿德涅(Ariadne)。这本书的内容就是“Ariadne’s thread”,让你在生活中不会迷失方向。










  • 我们没有一个人能擦掉生活过的痕迹,同样也不能重新再生活一次。然而,如果说莫里教授教会了我什么的话,那便是:生活中没有“来不及”这个词。他知道说再见的那一天还在改变着自己。

3.53 三十六计

3.54 心理学与生活

3.55 叙事疗法

3.56 正义之心

3.57 做一名优秀的心理咨询师

3.58 亲密的陌生人

3.59 洗脑术:怎样有逻辑地说服他人

3.60 天才在左疯子在右 [高铭]

3.61 The Crowd (乌合之众)

Gustave Le Bon (1841-1931) 法国著名社会心理学家、社会学家、群体心理学的创始人,以对群体心理特征的研究而闻名,被后人誉为“群体社会的马基雅维利”。《乌合之众》出版于1895年,这是Le Bon凭个人研究兴趣写成的书,但却开创了一个全新的研究领域:群体心理学。





勒庞认为:不是随便聚集在一起的一群人就是所谓群体,只有当这些人都具备了同一个心理诉求、有了相同的行动目标之后,才构成群体。 群体也未必是同一时间汇集在同一物理空间的人。当某个心理一致性形成后,那些散布在社会各个角落里的、各式各样的人,尽管没有面对面凑在一起,甚至相互之间都不认识,他们依然可以形成一个群体。




  1. 低智力化




  1. 自信心爆棚、敢想敢干、肆意妄为

作为个体,人们在面对很多“胆大妄为”的事情时,不过是想想而已,有时候可能连想都不敢想。一旦汇集成群体后,不但啥都敢想了,而且啥都敢干。 这样的群体心理基于两个原因:

  1. 群体人多力量大,众多个体被集中起来之后,大家倾向于相信什么都可以轻易实现;

  2. 是个体汇入群体后,减弱或消除了被惩罚的恐惧,即所谓“法不责众”——事情是大伙一块干的,没人敢对这么多人进行惩罚或报复,就算遭受惩罚报复,后果也是多人一起承担,所以个人不用担心。

  1. 情绪化、敏感化、急于行动







导火索一旦点燃,就让散布在各处的人们瞬间感受到了相同的情绪,产生了心理上的统一性。在群体领袖的带领下,群体可以被迅速动员,最后发展到直接采取大规模行动。群体最初是在一个简单口号下动员起来的,他们追求的目标貌似明确——但实际上群体的行动经常“跑偏”,与最初的目标背道而驰。 尽管勒庞对群体充满批判,但他还指出:群体行为不能用简单道德批判去评价好坏。群体本身无对错之分,它只是易于被引导和操控,且行动后果威力巨大。 四、群体的领袖







3.62 Status Anxiety [身份的焦虑, Alain de Botton]

Hui: 作者阿兰.德波顿并没有从学术的角度(他也不是个心理学家),而是从历史,文化艺术的角度分析这种焦虑的由来,以及可能的缓解途径。我们为什么需要他人的认同?从什么时候起有“势利”这个词?哲学、艺术、政治和宗教如何帮助我们舒缓这种焦虑。我个人认为作者并没有批判这种焦虑,而是避开了道德判断,就事论事的讨论身份的焦虑。

3.62.1 焦虑的起因 渴求身份

被他人注意、关怀,得到他人的同情、赞美和支持,这就是我们想要从一切行为中得到的价值。富有的人忘情于财富,是因为财富能够自然而然地为他吸引世界的目光。穷人则完全相反,他们以贫穷为耻。他们感觉到自己生活在世界的目光之外。一旦感到自己被世界所忽略,人类天性中最强烈的欲望将必然难以得到满足。穷人进出家门都不为人所注意,即使在闹市,他也会像独处在家一样默默无闻。而名流显贵们则不然,他们一直为世界所瞩目。所有的人都渴望能够一睹尊颜。他们的行为成为公众关心的对象。他们的只言片语、举手投足都不会被人忽略。—- 道德情操论

  • 民主社会拆去了所有束缚人们梦想的藩篱。一个人也许生活拮据,在物质方面远不如人,但这并不妨碍他们从理论上觉得他和任何人都是平等的。

  • 托克维尔认为,民主社会与贵族社会对贫穷的看法大相径庭。在贵族社会里,底层的仆人泰然地接受他们的命运,用托克维尔的话来说,他们能“愉快地生活,对自己的工作感到自豪,同时也不失自尊”。然而,在一个民主社会里,有的只是报刊和社会舆论没完没了的鼓噪,让每个生活在底层的人都相信他们总有机会攀上社会金字塔的塔尖,有机会成为实业家、大法官、科学家,甚至总统。这种无限机遇的论调在一开始也许能给人一种盲目的乐观,对那些底层的年轻人尤甚。但在他们之中,只有极少数最优秀的幸运儿才有机会脱颖而出,实现他们的梦想;而多数的人,随着时间一天天过去,他们并不能改变自己的身份,正如托克维尔所言,他们会转而变得意志消沉,内心极度痛楚,并轻贱自己,同时也憎恶自己的顶头上司们。


- 缺乏爱如何影响我们?为什么被人漠视让我们绝望,愤怒?…他人对我们的关注之所以如此重要,主要原因在于人类对自身价值的判断有一种与生俱来的不确定性——我们对自己的认识很大程度上取决于他人对我们的看法。…我们的“自我”和自我认知像一只漏气的气球——任何时候都需要他人的爱来填充自己的内心,而经不起哪怕针尖麦芒大的刺伤。我们的情绪变得难以理喻,一会儿因他人的褒扬而开心,一会儿为他人的漠视而伤怀。同事的一句心不在焉的问候,几通没有应答的电话就可能使我们闷闷不乐,而如果有人记住了我们的名字,或送来一只果篮,我们又觉得生活洒满阳光。

Hui: 宗教将这个“他人”指为神,一个超越人类的存在。尺度决定格局,格局进一步决定“大事”和“小事”的定义,如何分配你的时间和精力。You are what you do. 势利(snobbish)倾向



深藏在我们内心的害怕其实才是势利产生的唯一根源。哪些对自己地位非常有把握的人没有心思成心矮化他人。傲慢背后藏着的无非是恐惧。由于总是感觉自己不如别人,因此才要想方设法让别人不如自己。…对于这种由于渴求尊严而受挫并深感恐惧的情绪所导致的势利倾向,我们应该多一些理解和悲情,而不是一味去苛责。 过度期望

  • 物质进步:
    1. 18世纪初,英国引导了西方世界的关键性变革。由于采用了新的农业技术(轮作制、科学喂养和土地综合利用),农业产量大幅度提高。
    2. 19世纪,消费方面的变革继续扩展、深化,在欧洲和美洲出现了很多新的特大商场。大批科技发明:玉米片,开罐刀,缝纫机,打字机,加工食品,卫生设施,电话
    3. 20世纪物质生活更加进步
  • 平等、期望和嫉妒


Hui: 这里作者并没有证据支持物质的进步使得比较加剧。因为在任何时期人的比较心理都是存在的,那为什么物质进步以后由于比较带来的焦虑更强呢?






我们的自尊完全受制于时时督策我们的理想以及我们为理想所付诸的行动,取决于我们实际的现状同我们对自身期待之间的比率: \[自尊=\frac{实际的成就}{对自己的期待}\]





我们所期待的远超过我们祖先们的想象,但我们付出的代价则是永远都挥之不去的焦虑——我们永远都不能安于现状,永远都有尚未企及的梦想。 精英崇拜

  • 穷人优于富人的故事:
    • 基督教认为,任何东西,只要它让人觉得他可以不需要上帝就可以过上心满意足的生活,这东西就是罪恶。而金钱能给人带来物质的享乐,也能给人某种自由的感觉,因此,金钱似乎难辞其咎。
    • 它们向世上不幸的穷人传达了三个:
    1. 他们才是社会财富的创造者,他们理应赢得尊重
    2. 在上帝看来,时间的地位并不代表任何的道德意义
    3. 从任何层面看,富人都不值得尊敬,他们冷酷无耻,而且终归在即将到来的无产者正义的革命风暴中灭亡
  • 富人优于穷人的故事:
    • 贵族阶层多是世袭其家族的钱财和庄园,而今精英统治的经济体系下的富裕阶层凭借的却是自己的个人奋斗,因此,他们的致富能够体现个人的价值,这是先前的贵族阶层从未体验过的。但另一方面,现今穷窘的底层民众也多了一份羞辱感,这也有别于先前的农夫们:先前的农夫们由于被剥夺了生活中的任何机会,因此他们幸运地无需为自己的境况感到羞辱。在新的精英崇拜制度的年代,那些未获成功者要回答,为什么他无论如何从哪方面都是优秀、聪明和有能力的,却依然那么贫困,变得更为棘手和痛苦。
    • 在精英崇拜的社会的温床上渐次萌生的这些越来越苛刻的观念影响下,人们开始认为社会等级在很大程度上反映了社会成员的自身素质,那些杰出的人一定会迈向顶层,而那些懒汉们也注定要终身在贫困线上挣扎。
    • 现今社会,不论一个人身世如何卑微,他都清楚自己的生活充满无限机遇…如果在旁人眼里,他一再被认为是“笨蛋”,那么他恐怕真的就是笨蛋…更为残酷的是,他们将注定身份低微,而且造成这一结局的原因如此直白:因为他智力低下,而不是像过去一样被剥夺了成功的机会。他应该清楚这一切,不是吗?[精英崇拜的兴起]
    • 贫穷本身就是一种痛苦,而在精英崇拜的社会里,贫穷更是一种羞辱。 制约因素

  • 在传统社会里,要获得上层身份异常困难,但值得欣慰的是,上层身份一旦获得,就不易丧失。…现在社会的主要欲望却使这一情形完全颠倒过来,废除世袭的特权身份和天生的下层身份,从而使社会身份完全取决于个人成就——主要指经济方面的成就。
  • 由于经济体系的性质,获取社会身份的奋斗有一个非常明显的特征,那就是不确定性,它解释了我们在等级社会里为何无法稳妥地获得或持有一个自己渴望的位置,无法预测的因素:
  1. 变换的才能:我们远远不能拥有自己偶尔展现的才华,我们的成就大多好像来自于某种外界力量所施的恩惠,而这种外界力量的出现与消失决定了我们生活轨迹和达成目标的能力。…我们很难对成功所需的能力进行把握,因而我们在与未来相关的事务中被迫处于一种屈从和焦虑的状态中。
  2. 受运气的制约:把自己的身份建立在偶然因素之上固然令人恐慌,但在一个以理性控制为主要特征的世界里,几乎不能用“坏运气”对失败提供可信的辩解,生活在其中恐怕要更加困难。
  3. 受雇主的制约:《三英亩地与自由》表达了一种思想,这一思想在19世纪中叶以后的欧美思潮中不断为人提及:要想过上幸福生活,一个人就应该努力逃脱对雇主的依赖而直接以自己的节奏,为自己的幸福工作。…作为一个雇员,其痛苦不仅来自于对不能被长期雇佣的担心,而且来自于各种工作模式和运作机制所产生的羞辱感。…各种机构的金字塔中,成功爬到顶端的并不一定是工作中的佼佼者,却往往是那些精通权术之人,而权术在日常生活中很难得以传授。
  4. 受雇主盈利原则的制约:公司提高盈利率的最有效、最快速的途径几乎无一例外的是大幅度的裁员。…在历史的长河中,物品和服务的生命周期曾经比提供和消费它们的人类的生命周期更为长久。…但自从19世纪中叶以来,产品的生命周期急剧缩减,从而破坏了工人认为自己从事的行业会保持长期稳定的心理。
  5. 受全球经济发展规律的制约


- “劳动力”和其他因素之间的确存在一种差异,而这种差异在传统的经济学中没有得到论述或重视,劳动力能够感觉到痛苦。

  • 工作是决定我们所获得尊敬和关怀多寡的最关键因素。我们对爱的需求保持稳定不变,且丝毫不亚于孩提时代,因而在我们的需求和世界的不确定条件之间产生一种不平衡。

3.62.2 解决方法 哲学


  • 叔本华建议,要想改掉希望被他人喜欢的毛病,最快的途径就是对他人的品格进行研究,他人的品格绝大多数都粗野残忍、愚蠢麻木。

  • 问题的关键不在于我们在一个随机形成的人群中看起来是什么形象,而在于我们自己知道自己是什么形象。用叔本华的话说:“只有击中目标的谴责才能使我们受到伤害。一个人如果真正知道他不应该受到某种谴责,那么他可以满怀把握地对此不屑一顾。”……形成对自己价值的正确认识,并从中获得一种可靠而有根据的满足感。 艺术

  • 阿诺德认为,伟大的艺术作品绝对不是不可理喻的胡言乱语,而是一种途径,这种途径可以帮助我们解决生活中隐藏在心灵深处的紧张和焦虑。

  • 艺术史充满了对身份体系的不满。

  • 悲剧
    • 我们对他人惨败的同情几乎全都是因为我们强烈地意识到,一旦把我们置于特定的环境中,我们也会非常容易地遭遇与他们相同的悲惨经历,同样,一旦他人的行为看起来是那些我们永远也不可能有的时候,我们对他们的同情会大打折扣。
    • 在我们内心囊括了人类所有的品质,包括最优秀的品质和最劣质的品质,在合适的情形下,或不如说在错误的情形下,我们能够干出任何事情。
    • 如果说悲剧作品能让我们对他人的失败给予比平时更多的关注,那主要是因为悲剧艺术能够引导我们探究失败的根源。在这种情况下,对实际情况了解越多,我们就会更易于理解他人,原谅他人。 政治

  • 现代身份理想认为“体面”与财富直接相关,而“不体面”与贫苦直接相关,这一点构成了一些人对现代身份理想提出质疑的关键所在。

  • 偶然性事件按照它难以捕捉的意愿决定着我们的身份和名誉,我经常看见机遇走在美德前面,而且占有绝对优势。

  • 不管我们认为自已在思想上多么独立,我们实际上并不理解我们自己在思想上多么独立,我们实际上并不理解我们自己的需要,这是一个极为危险的现象。

  • 我们同样能够很容易地误解特定职业的魅力,因为这些工作需要付出的代价往往被人剪辑掉了,而只剩下了那些人们无法抗拒的优点。我们总是在阅读结果,而不是整个过程。

  • 意识形态观点的精髓就是,除非我们的政治素养得到了极大的发展,否则我们很难意识到它们的存在。 基督教

  • 如果财富,尊严和权力能够为我们购买某种感情,而且只要我们的身份仍在继续,这种感情就会继续,但问题是我们注定要在无助和落魄中结束自己的生命,我们在弥留之际肯定渴望像小孩一样被人关怀,那么我们就会有一个极为清晰的理由,把所有的精力集中在那些最能够经受住我们身份变化腐蚀的人际关系。[If wealth, esteem and power buy us a kind of regard that will last only so long as our status holds, but conversely we are destined to end our lives defenseless and disheveled, longing to be comforted like small children, then we have an unusually clear reason to concentrate our energies on those relationships which will best survive the erosion of our standing.]

  • 死亡的想法对我们的影响或许就是引领我们去追求任何对我们真正重要的东西….同时还会鼓励我们漠视他人对我们的评价,因为他人的评价毕竟与我们的死亡没有丝毫关系。对死亡的预见能够使我们追求我们内心中最渴望的生活方式。[Typically, the thought of death may be expected, first, to usher us towards whatever happens to matter most to us…and second, to encourage us to pay less attention to the verdicts of others—who will not, after all, be doing the dying for us. The prospect of our own extinction may draw us towards that way of life on which our hearts place the greatest value.]

  • 我们总是牺牲自己宁静的心情而去追求那些转瞬即逝的时间的荣华富贵,而遗迹能够揭示出我们这些行为的愚蠢本质。…如果从1000年的角度来看待我们那些渺小的身份焦虑,我们将会非常难得地认识到自己的微不足道,从而获得心情的宁静。…宏大的自然景观与废墟一样,能够起到相同的减缓焦虑的作用,因为宏大的自然景观是无限空间的代表,就如同废墟是无限时间的代表一样。…对身份低下的焦虑进行治疗,最好的方法就是通过旅游——在现实中旅游或在艺术作品中旅游——去感受世界的广阔无垠。[To consider our petty status worries from the perspective of a thousand years hence is to be granted a rare, tranquilizing glimpse of our own insignificance…Vast landscapes can have much the same anxiety-reducing effect on us as ruins, for they are the representatives of infinite space, as ruins are the representatives of infinite time… A fine remedy for our anxieties over our low status in society may be to travel—-whether literally or figuratively, by viewing works of art—-through the gigantic spaces of the world.]

  • 我们越认为普通生活令人耻辱、肤浅、低贱或丑陋,我们想要同他人区分开来的欲望就会更加强烈。

  • 如果做一个普通人就意味着过一种连一般的尊严和舒适的需求都无法满足的生活,那么对上层身份的欲望则会变得异常强烈。 波希米亚

  • 19世纪初期,有一群特立独行的人在西欧和美国开始引人注目。他们衣着朴素,生活在比较便宜的城区里,他们博览群书,好像并不在乎金钱,他们中的多数人性情忧郁,他们投身于艺术和感情,而非商业和物质上的收益,他们有时在性生活上不符合传统规则,他们中的有些女士留着短发,而此时短发尚未成为时尚——人们称他们为“波希米亚人”

  • 在Henri Murger写了一本记录巴黎阁楼和咖啡馆生活的畅销书《波希米亚人生活札记》(1851)之后,人们用波希米亚人指在某些方面不符合资产阶级的体面原则的人。

  • 波希米亚可以无处不在,它不是一个地方,而是一种心灵态度。

  • 我们有自由认识到我们对蒙羞的忧虑完全取决于一定的社会群体,我们充分理解和尊重这个社会群体的判断方法。[We are at liberty to ensure that our worries about being disgraced will arise principally in relation to an audience whose methods of judgement we both understand and respect.]

3.63 生活中的道德怪圈 (By Rainer Eringer)

3.63.1 引言

  • 在生活中被透支了的道德追求,正是人们对道德做出的最有害的事情。……社会的复杂性使道德越来越难以定义。如果谁告诉我们这个时代什么是正确的什么是错误的,那他必须要给出理由,其他所有情况对于一个已被启蒙的人来说都是臆测。这本书讨论人们总会遇到的问题并找出其中的关联,以便说明哪些道德原则是重要的。本书是关于如何处理自身或他人的错误,关于谎言、包容、帮助和体谅,关于经济、节俭、慷慨和贫穷,关于与动物和自然相处,关于轻微的内疚和沉重的自责,关于人们应该如何做并可以反过来要求别人给出理解、尊敬与尊重,以及关于用为自己着想的方式来为他人着想。这也正是我想开始讨论的内容——为自己着想,这不一定是坏事。威廉姆.弗兰克说:




在大多数情况下,根据自身便利而产生的直接愿望会排在最前面,人们是善于方便自己而限制他人的,所以更多的是要变换自身看问题的角度。每个人都可以合理地“自私”。只有当其超过范围,在自身利益之外不再考虑其它准则时,它才是有问题的。20世纪初美国法学家Oliver Wendell Holmes在担任大法官时说:


3.64 电车难题



一辆失控的电车即将撞上无名无辜的行人,你是否愿意让电车转向驶向岔路?然而,岔路上却站着另一个人。 另一辆失控的电车,面前依然有五名无辜的行人,这次没有岔路,但你是否愿意把一个胖子推下天桥,从而阻挡电车行进?


“真实”的案件发生了,扳动把手的人,既是救人者,也是杀人者。 检察官说:同情心也无法掩盖嫌疑人犯罪的事实。 辩护律师说:我们的伦理和直觉告诉我们,她无罪。


  • 功利主义:只要一个行为能使得全社会幸福最大化,那就是正当的。
  • 康德:我们应当把人视作目的而非手段。
  • 逻辑语言学家:类比是最大的陷阱。
  • 神学家:双效远侧,一个行为既有善果,也有恶果,如何取舍。
  • 心理学家:一切道德判断,只不过是给情感找借口。
  • 电视辩论:己所不欲,勿施于人。


电车难题并不是单纯的思想实验,我们的历史和社会经历过无数次两难的道德选择。当答案不重要的时候,往往一个好的问题比答案重要。所谓独立思考,首先要充分理解前任的思考成果和依据。 1)独立思考的第一步:充分了解别人的观点以及背后的依据。就像电车难题,首先我们要充分了解不同哲学派系分别是什么态度,他们背后的根据是什么,还要从逻辑、语言、心理学各个方面去考虑。


2)独立思考的第二步,则是在充分理解他人思考成果的基础上,再去怀疑、去质疑、去批判,从而形成自己的东西。 我们往往并不是在自己思考结论,而是从众多嘈杂的声音当中,选择一个自己认为正确的结论。这样很危险,因为如果这样,我们只能作为观点的附庸者,成为他人观点的消费者。这种缺乏自己批判性思考过程的观点堆砌,永远也无法形成属于我们自己的知识体系和价值观。



3.65 Being Mortal

Hui: 作者Atul Gawande是个医生,我在这本书中第一次知道美国有专门的“临终关怀”机构。我们总想着怎么好好的活着,之前提到的《乐观的偏见》的作者说,如果没有乐观,展望未来的能力就会毁灭一切。因为我们很早就知道最后的结局一定是死亡。可是我们大多数人都会自动屏蔽在这个充满不确定的世界中唯一确定的事实。随着科技、医疗的发展,我们越来越笃信人类的力量,我们开始有这样的幻觉:一切事物都是可以解决的,可以改变的。这本书让人正视而非逃避这个不可改变的结局,告诉我们尽己所能好好活到最后一刻。更重要的事,作者提出我们在努力发展医学技术延长人类生命的同时,也要花精力帮助接近生命终点的人更好的度过最后的旅程,平静的离开人世。并不是所有人都希望通过各种医疗器械维持活着的状态,在生命的末尾的人有权说我不需要这些医疗监控仅仅为了延长自己的生命,我想要离开病床,回到自己的家中,像平常一样吃喜欢的食物,看想看的书,度过最后的日子。紧紧抓住生命没有错,选择在何时放手也没有错。请being mortal,因为这就是我们原本的样子。

3.66 Top Dog (输赢心理学)



  1. 竞争激发潜能的作用是有边界的,竞争在一定条件下能激发你的潜力,让你赢面更大,但竞争和潜力不是线性关联,而是倒U曲线关系,超出一定限度,增加竞争强度反而会适得其反。

  2. 刻意让差生和好学生在一起学习、生活,并不会让差生迎头赶上,反而会造成差生越来越差。因为差生周围的优等生让他们日复一日地感到自卑,竞争无休无止,胜利遥不可及,他们更可能会自暴自弃。

  3. 不论是美国公司的销售部门,英格兰摘草莓的农民,还是荷兰服装连锁店的售货员,当他们和水平相近的人竞争时,生产效率都能普遍提高10到50%,而和水平相差较远的对手竞争的时候,效率都会下滑。


  1. 面对竞争,男女的表现很不一样。进入最顶级的精英学校的男孩们,数学成绩普遍变差了,去稍微次一点的学校的男孩们,却会学到更多的数学知识。而女孩却是到越顶级的学校表现越好。

  2. 男孩什么都想竞争,每时每刻都想跟人比,而且还过度自信。上一所好大学之前,女孩能做一个比较清醒的估计,她们知道自己面对这么多好学生,可能没什么优势,所以在大学遇到困难的时候,她知道得去寻求帮助。但男孩从来没想过自己会输,如果输了他也不会去寻求帮助,他会拒绝承认自己输了,实在不行就干脆放弃。

  3. 男人过分自信有时候也会带来好处。政客大都是男的,这是因为女人会理性权衡选举的成功概率,当概率明显很低时,她们会主动放弃。而男性政客普遍高估自身的竞争力,在概率很低的情况下,仍然会乐此不疲的博一把。



  1. 只要是和竞争有关的项目,不管是体力的还是脑力的,睾酮可能都有刺激作用。睾酮可以让人在竞争中更敢于冒险,更乐意投入比赛,在比赛中更无私,更关心队友,甚至能让我们做更多理性认知而不是感情冲动。如果一个人睾酮水平不够,他就很难进入兴奋状态。。

  2. 一个人的基础睾酮水平能从外表上看出来,看无名指和食指的长度比就知道睾酮水平高低。无名指比食指长得越多,睾酮的分泌水平就越高,也就越喜欢竞争,越容易在竞争中胜出。成功的企业家无名指长度都很长。 总结一下,本书告诉我们家:第一,势均力敌的时候,竞争才会有激励作用。第二,女人面对竞争更理性,男人则容易高估自己的竞争优势。第三,一个人爱不爱竞争是一个生理问题,由睾酮水平决定。


  • 对一些钢琴家的研究表明,是否能够在比赛中胜出,并不取决于平时排练得多好,而是取决于他们能否在比赛中,保持平时排练时的水平。很少有钢琴家能在比赛中表现得和平时排练一样好或更好。当人们越关注成功的几率,去尝试做某事的可能性就小;但当越关注成功的果实,尝试的可能性就大。

  • 乐队的演出效果越好,其幕后的争斗、竞争、不和谐就会越发严重。他们只有在台上才会表现出初期的和谐效果。要让人们在合作中更努力,只需要告诉他们与实验室伙伴同一天生日即可,他们的工作会更加积极主动、持之以恒。

3.67 心理操纵术

3.67.1 Ch 1 赢家不会告诉你的

  • 保证自己成功的工具并不是执行力,而是明智的态度,冷静的判断和别具一格的思维
  • 把你看到的人变成“你的人”,让更多的人想成为“你的人”, 这就是优秀领导者的魅力
  • “成功可以复制”是谎言
  • 表演的是狗熊,收钱的是驯兽师。成为“善舞的狗熊”是一个悲剧的目标
  • 黑色人种为何散漫,漠视规则,难以形成高度的组织和纪律性?…白人基因有哪些与众不同的优点,又有哪些明显弱于东亚黄色人种的缺陷,从而导致了基督教文明与儒家文明的区别?…基因在很大程度上决定一个人的抗洗脑能力有致命影响。相较而言,华人总是很难被洗脑,他们既依赖权威,同时又不相信权力,也从不迷信鬼神的力量,并对任何单一和极端的“信仰”敬而远之。

Hui: I totally can’t buy this point……

  • 金钱总是在底层群体的手中进进出出,而永远在上层少数人的口袋里驻扎。富人的智慧:
    1. 他们不相信任何已经成功的人,从不迷信和追随某种经验。
    2. 从不制定宏观计划,而是注重于沿着趋势去推动事情。
    3. 他们深知金钱的用途,在滚雪球的过程中,懂得集中力量、聚成一团和重点使用的价值,不会将钱分散开来,而是能够抓住孤注一掷的时机。
  • 洗脑金字塔: 1)洗脑源;2)传教士;3)中产;4)洗脑受体。

Hui: 信息!= 真实信息 <—– 阶层,信息源,目的,判断力

  • 整部人类历史的发展背后,这一洗脑原则始终被牢固地贯彻下来,每一种文明都是如此,这就是世界各地优秀文化思想全部诞生在公元前,之后就一直裹足不前的原因。

Hui: “各地优秀文化思想都诞生在公元前”这个观点有趣,仔细想想还真是那么一回事……>_<

  • 一个人只有站得高才能看得远,与他是否足够努力并没有必然关系。时间未必可以换来金钱。

Hui: 上层能够获取—–> (信息,资源,人脉)——>通过资本运作致富

  • 专注于提升自己的生活而不是去过量入为出的日子。
  • 赢家法则 (Hui: 看到这样的标题感觉是传销,之前都说了成功不可复制不是么?怎么又来这么多法则?)
    • 在改变规则前遵循规则,重要的是前者
    • 不要重复任何一件事情,即使是必要的(Hui: 太武断了)
    • 主动收集信息,尽可能取得一手资料,而非经由他人 (Hui: 有时间精力是该尽量要一手资料的)
    • 简练,直接,命中要害
    • 结盟而非敌对
    • 看到问题是开始,解决问题是目的
    • 善于谈判,和每个人保持互相理解的心态
    • 如果一开始就看到的方案,自动跨越所有步骤
  • 弱者(没有精气神,不敢竞争,羞于展示才华)
  • 人们进行判断的原则常带有浓厚主观色彩

3.67.2 Ch2 苹果的滋味

  • 任何行为和思维,通过不断重复都会得到加强,并最终成为本能。
  • 每件事情都有联系,把它们联系起来,就成了一张符合逻辑的大网
  • 打造一个让人深度信任的平台环境,对方深信在你这儿他可以赢(Hui: 如何做?)

3.68 希望感和绝望感

“希望感”是这样一种思维方法:拥有积极的目标,认为自己能够找到达成目标的路径,并拥有强烈的动机去使用这些路径达到目的。[C.R.Snyder 1994]

Hui: 这里将希望感定义为一种思维方式,而非感觉。

这种思维方法分为两类: 1. 路径思维(pathways thoughts),即相信自己能够找到(不止一种)方法来达成目标,是一种“我会找到方法来完成它”的信念; 1. 代理人思维(agency thoughts),“The sense of agency”是指一种主观觉察,意识到是自己创造、处理、控制着自己的意志行为。

Hui: 总结起来,希望感需要有目标,并且相信自己可以通过努力达成目标。通常感到毫无希望的时候都是不知道该追求什么,或者感觉目标遥不可及。

  • Anthony Scioli分析指出拥有下面这三种要素的人往往希望感水平比较高,也会拥有更强的修复力,即在承受打击之后恢复的力量:
  1. Attachment:是指感到能够持续地信任他人,并愿意和他人建立连接、互相支持,会产生亲密和爱的感觉。在依恋要素中,最重要的是“信任”和“开放”两个因素。
  2. Mastery:也被称为empowerment,即感到自己是强大的、有能量的,并且自己的能力在他人那里也能得到证明。
  3. Survival:它是与负性事件相关的。幸存要素包含两个方面,一是你不会让自己长期地困在坏的情境里,你能够有办法找到出去的路;二是即便经历了一些负面的事件,你也能够坚持积极的想法和感觉。


  • Scioli在《焦虑年代里的希望》中提出,以上三种要素的缺失会导致不同类型的绝望感。他列举了3个大类、共9个小类的绝望感:
    • 异化感及其分支
    1. Alienation:依恋要素缺失:觉得自己在环境中被排斥,得不到外界的爱、关怀和支持。
    2. Forsakenness:依恋要素和幸存要素缺失:觉得自己是被世界和他人遗弃的,无法再继续生存下去。
    3. Uninspired:依恋要素和掌控要素缺失:觉得在群体中得不到积极的评价和认可,缺乏成长的机遇。 拥有这三种绝望感的人,会感觉非常孤独和凄凉。

Hui: 额……我怎么觉得是在说自己。

- 无力感及其分支
   1. Powerlessness: 掌控要素缺失:觉得权力被剥夺了,自己不能作为自己生活的主宰,没有能力向着让自己想要的目标前进。
   1. Oppression:掌控要素和依恋要素缺失:觉得受到了(个人或集体的)压制或压迫。
   1. Limitedness:掌控要素和幸存要素缺失:体会到自己的不足和局限性,怀疑自己的生存可能。这种感觉在那些非常贫穷、有身体残疾或学习障碍的人身上非常容易出现。

Hui: 额……头两个都中。

- 宿命感及其分支
   1. Doom:幸存要素缺失:总觉得自己的生命行将结束,就要被耗尽而不可逆转。这种感觉在那些被诊断绝症,或者认为自己有不治之症的人身上经常出现。
   1. Captivity:幸存要素和依恋要素缺失:这种感觉通常分为两种类型,一种是感觉受到了(个体或集体的)束缚,觉得自己像个囚犯,这种束缚可能是身体上的(被囚禁),也可能是精神上的(被虐待、冷暴力)。另一种类型是“自我囚禁”,是个体自己认为自己困在不好的关系或被束缚的境况里。
   1. Helplessness:幸存要素和掌控要素缺失:觉得自己非常容易受伤害,感受到恐惧和不安全,但却无法摆脱,也得不到外界任何的帮助。

Hui: 额……我得多和人交流了…….本姑娘中的太多了。>_<!!

3.69 脆弱

When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”——Madeleine L’Engle


脆弱是当我们在面对生活的不确定性、风险、以及在需要情感投入时,容易感受到的情绪状态 (Brown, 2006; Seltzer, 2008)。与一些其它的情绪状态不同(如幸福、恐惧等),人们不太容易长时间地让自己感受到脆弱这种情绪本身。人们比较多在一瞬间感到脆弱,然后立刻转化为由脆弱唤起的自我防御。


第一种人,在感到脆弱之后,随之体验到的核心情绪状态是恐惧,即对“被剥夺”、“被伤害”以及“被孤立”的恐惧。他们脆弱时,常有的想法是害怕自己的付出得不到相应的回报,害怕对方冷眼相待,害怕得不到肯定。比起“我是不是值得”,他们的注意力更容易集中在“有没有人会来帮助我,爱我,或者哪怕只是安慰我”(Stosny, 2013)。当他们感到脆弱时,他们会主动去寻求关系,以希望得到别人的关心、安慰,从而能化解自己的脆弱感。

第二种人,在感到脆弱之后感受到的核心情绪状态是羞耻。(要了解更多羞耻的相关内容,请查看KY往期文章深度:你是否认识人类这种最有破坏性的情感?),即对自身价值的羞耻。他们不仅担心别人帮不了自己,甚至觉得自己根本不值得别人的关心(Stosny, 2013)。他们不会像第一种人那样愿意主动去索取。甚至坦然告白自己内心的想法都是非常困难的。当他们感到脆弱时,他们倾向于自我隔绝,不与他人发生联系。那些能够提升他们对自身价值感的认同的事,才能化解他们脆弱感。

脆弱时表现为两类不同情绪表现的人,某种程度上是“互补”的。容易感到恐惧的人,在必要的时候,他们情愿接受那些可能让人感到羞耻的事情以避免恐惧(例如放低姿态哀求);容易感到羞耻的人,则宁愿担惊受怕也不作出让自己羞耻的行为(例如主动询问对方对自己的感觉)(Stosny, 2013)。同时,二者又是“互斥”的,不容易互相理解。无论是哪种人,脆弱都还会产生一个有趣的作用,让我们把自己的脆弱当作别人的问题来感知——“投射”。例如,在一段亲密关系里,个体因为“害怕自己的真心没有好回报”而有所保留,却常常责怪对方没有坦诚相待。这就是把自己的脆弱投射于对方身上的一种表现。



  1. 保持“脆弱”的人更有吸引力

比起伪装,人本能地更喜欢真实的事物,同时其实每个成年人内心都知道世界本就是混乱且不完美的(Seppala, 2014)。


  1. 保持脆弱是人与人之间互动交往的关键

“脆弱”让彼此可以更真诚的交流,并建立更深层的联结。为此,社会心理学家Althur Aron(1997)做了一项研究,将互相不认识的人随机两两组合,并根据给定问题进行45分钟的你问我答。其中一组人得到了一些较为浅层次(shallow)的问题,例如,“你最喜欢的电视节目”,“你喜欢的节日”等。而另一组人则得到更深层次的问题,包括,“爱在你生命中的角色”,“你上一次和别人分享的最难过的事是什么?”等。


除此之外,Medical News Today(2012)的调查也发现,坦诚地互相交往,有利于人与人之间关系的改善。同时,Brené Brown在经过数千人的访谈之后也发现,保持脆弱是人与人之间互动交往的关键(Seppala,2014)。

  1. 压抑脆弱可能取得反效果

为了接近他人刻意地展现完美和强大往往会取得反效果(Seppala,2014)。在James Gross的研究中,人们发现当我们刻意地隐藏自己的感受,表现出不真诚的一面时,对方是能够感知到的。虽然ta不一定会拆穿(人艰不拆啊…),但他们的生理反应——血压上升,却很诚实地表达了他们内心的想法。这种生理反应也解释了当我们在和虚伪的人相处时所产生的不舒服的感觉。

此外,被压抑的脆弱并不会彻底消失,它可能转化为其他的情绪表现,例如愤怒。在亲密关系当中,那些不允许自己脆弱的人,在感到脆弱的时刻,会对那些令他们产生恐慌或羞耻的人表示愤怒(Seltzer, 2008)。而且这种脆弱时的表达常常是对人不对事的。这种愤怒会我们的关系长期陷入不和谐和冲突之中。



误解1: 这个世界上,有人可以选择不脆弱

脆弱不止存在于爱情里,事实上脆弱无处不在。在各种人际关系中,包括工作关系中,都会有让人脆弱的时刻;而即便不在人际关系中,仅仅由于自身的经历和行为也会产生脆弱的感觉,例如独自外出、尝试有挑战的任务等(Seppala, 2014)。可以说,脆弱感就是活着的一部分。

因此,脆弱并不是一种选择。我们所能选择的只有,当我们面对风险和不确定性时,是压抑脆弱,还是正视脆弱。事实上,研究发现,能够接纳脆弱的人在面对困难时反而更坚韧,也更容易修复自身(Brown, 2006)。

误解2: 脆弱等于虚弱

很多人以为,允许自己脆弱,是一种虚弱的表现。其实不然(Seppala, 2014)。允许自己脆弱的人,是那些在新进入一个人群,愿意主动笑着介绍自己、结识新朋友的人;是那些没有十足把握,但愿意接受挑战、尝试不曾做过的任务的人。就好像清晰地看清并承认自己的问题,是一种很有能力的表现;允许自己脆弱是充满勇气的状态,是一种很有力量的状态。

误解3: 不掩饰脆弱就意味着自曝其短

有些人认为,所谓“允许自己脆弱”就是在众人面前公开自己的秘密,大谈其谈自己的痛苦。其实恰恰相反,脆弱是有边界的(Seppala, 2014)。脆弱也是有程度的。成熟的方式是,你在不同的人面前,根据你们之间的边界,让自己表现出不同程度的脆弱,循序渐进。那些我们愿意在ta面前毫不掩饰自己脆弱的人,都是已经赢得我们信任的人。否则,的确是你自己让自己处在了更容易受伤的位置。



  1. 自我肯定

自我肯定,是指我们不会因为失败和错误而否定自己,也不让行为的后果定义自我价值(Seltzer,2008)。要理解到,你是一个比你所做的事更大的整体,“you are more than your past mistakes”.


  1. 自我宽慰


  1. 分享,但要注意由浅入深(Share, but start small)

当人们处在互相了解的阶段时,真诚和过度自我暴露可能仅仅只是一线之隔。保持脆弱,并不意味着我们需要在一段感情的开始阶段就毫无保留地向对方袒露所有。社会心理学家Stan Trefer的研究发现,逐步地与对方分享自我更有利于关系的发展(Self,2015)。

  1. 展现不加“滤镜”的真实人生(Go no-filter in real life)





  1. Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43-52.

  2. Kircanski, K., Lieberman, M.D., & Craske, M.G. (2012). Feelings into words: contributions of language to exposure therapy. Psychological Science

  3. Medical News Today (7 August, 2012). Improving relationships, mental and physical health by not telling lies.

  4. Self (May, 2015). Love and Chemistry: How to be vulnerable.

  5. Seltzer, L.F. (2008). The power to be vulnerable. Psychology Today.

  6. Seppala, E. (2014). Why being vulnerable is the key to intimacy. Fulfillment Daily

  7. Simmons, M. (2014). To create a real connection, show vulnerability. Harvard Business Review.

  8. Stosny, S. (2013). What’s your core vulnerability? Psychology Today.

  9. Tartakovsky, M. (2013). 3 Myths about vulnerability. Psychology Central.

3.70 各种效应

  • Barnum Effect: To be seen as accurate, astrology and graphology do not have to be accurate. Instead, you simply give people a general statement about personality and their brains will trick them into believing that it is insightful and individual. In the 1950s, the psychologist Paul Meehl christened Forer’s original finding the “Barnum Effect”, after that American showman Phineas Taylor Barnum, who once famously said that any good circus should have something for everyone. Many Barnum statements appear accurate because most people tend to think and behave in surprisingly predictable ways. [From Quirkology]

3.71 治心经(曾国藩)

  • 思胸襟广大,宜从“平,淡”二字用功。凡人我之际,须看得平,功名之际,须看得淡。庶几(连词,表示在上述情况之下才能避免某种后果或实现某种希望)胸怀日阔,咬得菜根百事可做,世味淡薄,身心无累。
  • 以庄子之道自怡,以荀子之道自克。
  • 庄子:闻在宥(宽恕)天下,不闻治天下也。
  • 心无定旨,人如浮萍,终将无成。七情所偏,惟怒尤甚。须涵养其气质,广大其心胸。先事常思,情恕理遣。
  • 人情难知,天道难测,别处得事情不要毫无忌惮的大加议论。
  • 世路多歧未许游,得休休处且休休。
  • 鱼不忍饥钩上死,鸟因贪食网中亡。——韩贞
  • 平时不能耐,不能静,所以致病也。
  • 天下之事,有其功必有其效,功未至而求效之遽(ju 匆忙,急)臻,则妄矣。
  • 成功与失败之间往往是一步之遥,进则花团锦簇,退则万丈深渊。——梁启超
  • 古今庸人,以惰字败。古今才人,以傲字败。
  • 欲动天下者,先动天下心。——毛泽东
  • 一毫之拂,即勃然而怒;一事之违,即愤然而发;一善之长,即为炫暴;一言之誉,即为动容。皆无涵养之力,薄福之人也。昔人谓量随识长,闻事不喜不惊,乃可以当大事。

3.72 心理学文章

3.72.1 What makes things cool?

心理学家得出一个非常坚实的结论,有几百项研究支持——你之所以觉得这个东西美,是因为你比较熟悉这个东西。这个效应叫做“多看效应(Mere Exposure Effect)”。


工业设计之父Raymond Loewy的设计哲学:陌生又熟悉(Most Advanced Yet Acceptable)。人喜欢新奇的东西,但如果过于新奇,又会让人害怕。